Obedience is better than reverence

Hari Om,

These are some reflections on my japa practice of purascharanas and my way of drawing inspiration from my Guru Sivananda's own intense japa practice during his lifetime. I have written down my thoughts and it is mostly words addressed to my Guru. I was feeling very de-motivated recently regarding my spiritual life (it all seemed pretty hopeless) and I felt I needed to draw up a clear plan of action to keep motivated and keep going. This is such an attempt (whether or not I succeed in this plan depends on God's plans for me of course).

I was just mulling over these words of my Guru. “Obedience is better than reverence”. Sivananda said he wanted his students to try their utmost to live the divine life and realise God in this lifetime- or rather to become true devotees in this lifetime, let God give realisation when He/She  wishes. Reverence for the Guru is important, but not enough to please the Guru- one has to follow his/her teachings sincerely and grow towards the divine ideal that is pleasing to God and Guru.

One of Sivananda’s favourite techniques to transform the undivine into the divine was japa.  He said sitting, standing, walking and talking….even in your dreams, all the time you should be doing japa.

I was thinking about my own japa practice recently. How small and insignificant it seems when compared to the huge and heroic efforts of people like my Guru who did several hours of japa a day during his intense twelve year sadhana period after renouncing the world to realise God. When I compare myself to them, it is like I am just learning to run, and they are like Olympic champions in running.

But I must learn to run like them. Sivananda used to say, don’t merely revere me but obey me, become like me, achieve what I did. Achieve this like I did through hard work, tapas, austerity and devotion. This is the spiritual fee he demands from his students.

But how to become like you, Guru? The answer I realised lies in closing the gap a little between the disciple and the Guru. 

Guru is God, but before he became one with God, before he became a perfect instrument of God, when he was not yet a Guru, he was simply a bound soul, a bound soul like me.  When one understands that one’s Guru also evolved through the stage where one currently is (in some lifetime or the other), one also feels hope of achieving the same consciousness as the Guru. Otherwise it seems impossible.

So Gurudev, I must remind myself that you were not perfect before you became Realised, you too had flaws that you corrected. Thinking about your flaws is necessary for me to recognise that my flaws too can be corrected like you corrected yours. 

During his sadhana period, Gurudev wrote instructions like these to himself “do not hate, forget any injury immediately like a child, it kindles hatred, do not revenge, bear insult, bear injury, give up salt, give up sugar, serve rogues” – all this shows that he was training his mind to develop along these lines, to give up thoughts of hatred/revenge, to learn self-control by giving up salt/sugar, to learn to see God even in the wicked. In other words, he did not have these qualities in perfection, otherwise why would he have needed to train his mind? If you do not hate, you do not have to tell yourself not to hate. So it means Gurudev also experienced negative emotions in his mind, like hate/revenge etc. The difference is that unlike many people, he decided to get rid of these emotions by tapas and thus experience the divinity within.

So when I feel anger and dislike (a form of hatred really) at times, I must remind myself Guru, that I am not that bad- I too can change like you did.

And now Gurudev, to be able to set myself some targets of transformative japa for this lifetime, I have to do something a bit audacious, something unimaginable, but something that will help motivate me so this audaciousness is necessary, i.e. I must try and estimate how much japa you did in your sadhana period! 

I feel japa is the key to my spiritual transformation, just as it was for yours. You may have come into this lifetime far more advanced spiritually than me Gurudev, but I have to believe that it is possible for me also to attain true devotion in this lifetime (Sivananda used to say, attain devotion, realisation will come of itself when God wants).

I want to pay the spiritual fee you demanded from your students Gurudev. Your fee was that your students do intense sadhana throughout life to attain God. To be able to motivate myself, I must analyse your sadhana and gain inspiration from you. I feel I have to do the impossible- estimate how much japa you might have done in that 12 year period, and set myself an approximate target for this lifetime. Without this, I have no idea of the amount of japa I may have to do, and no clear plan.

Gurudev, your mantra was the 12-lettered dwadasakshari mantra-  Om Namo Bhagavate Vaasudevaya. This mantra is a bit longer than mine. May be you repeated this mantra with deep devotion with every breath- something I may not be able to do for lifetimes. But for now, I have to set myself a realistic target- so for that I have to estimate how much purascharanas you perhaps did in that 12 year period before you got the Darshan of Lord Krishna and attained God Realisation.

You always said the japa should be done slowly with feeling Gurudev. And you tell your students, that while they must do japa with bhava, yet they must keep a record of the number of malas done with scientific accuracy. Although the feeling with which japa is done is most important, the number of japa done is also important. Because you say in your writings, that with prolonged practice, feeling comes. Prolonged practice is therefore the key to developing true devotion.

So let me try to estimate what type of prolonged practice I must do in this lifetime to develop devotion Gurudev, using you as my inspiration.

Having said dwadashakshari mantra a few times, I believe one can say about 10 malas of this mantra in an hour, with clear pronunciation. Any faster than this, and one may mutilate the words and it sounds ugly. You did not believe in rollercoaster fast japa Gurudev, so I believe you did it slowly with feeling, as you advise your students. So I assume you maybe did about 10 malas per hour.

And Gurudev, you used to do hours of japa a day, standing in the cold waters of Mother Ganga, from 4 am and sometimes finishing japa only at sunset.  During your intense 12 year japa period, you also provide medical services to the sadhus and other poor people for free. You probably repeated your sacred mantra during these services, as you advise your students to do, but this was not part of your formal seated japa time. Therefore I will assume that you did about 6 hours of japa a day averaged across the 12 years.  This assumption is also based on your written advice to whole-time aspirants to do 6 hours of seated japa a day. 

Let us say Gurudev, that out of 365 days a year, at least 300 days every year were spent by you in this intense tapas (the other days you may have been more focused on karma yoga/service of the sick and so on)- i.e. 6 hours of devout japa a day- this is an average across the 12 year period.

 How many purascharanas does that make of your mantra Gurudev? Let us calculate.

12 letters in the mantra means one purascharana is 12 x 100,000 = 1200,000 repetitions.

At 10 malas an hour, doing 6 hours a day, for 300 days a year, one would do 10 x 6 x 300 = 18000 malas a year.

In 12 years, Gurudev,  you may have done 18000 x 12 =  216000 malas japa

= 23, 328, 000 repetitions

= 23, 238, 000/ 1200,000 purascharanas

= 19.44 purascharanas

So Gurudev you may have done at least 20 purascharanas in this 12 year sadhana period, may be even 25 in that 12 year sadhana period.

This is interesting, as you mention a famous yogi Madhusudhana Swami who realised God halfway through his 18^th purascharana of a Krishna mantra. So doing 1-2 purascharanas in a lifetime is not enough. One may need to commit to at least 15-20, may be more in a lifetime- may be do this number repeatedly in many lifetimes.

So when great Gurus had to do about 20-30  purascharanas to attain God in one lifetime, I may have to do at least this, may be many more.

 Let me see how long it would take me to do 20 purascharanas. Let me be very realistic. I do one hour of japa a day at present- 11 malas. I do not have the sheer energy and stamina needed to do 6 hours of japa a day for years- at least that is my state today (may change in the future). At a push, I could do 6 hours a day for a few weeks at a time during a special period eg Navaratri, but  not every day for years.

Doing one hour of japa a day most days, with some extra hours of japa during special spiritual festivals, I can do a purascharana in 2 years. It would therefore take me 40 years at this rate to do 20 purascharanas. A forty year commitment (assuming I live another 40 years) it has to be then. Minimum.

My body is 32 years old now- so another 40 years, means I will be 72 years old. Great- not that old. :) If I still haven’t achieved God then, I might have another 10 years or so after that age before my body packs up.

My current second purascharana is due to finish in late Nov- early Dec this year. i.e. 1.75 purascharanas down, 19.25 left to go!

Sivananda and other yogis said that it was God’s grace alone that gave them the necessary stamina to keep going, to stay motivated on the path of sadhana. 

I feel it is Durga, Parvati, Katyayani, my beloved Mother who gives me the strength to do sadhana. So therefore, with this plan in mind (bearing in mind, that man proposes and God disposes), I say to Durga, if it is Your/Hari’s wish that this lifelong sadhana takes place, then give me the necessary determination and motivation to keep going no matter what happens in my life. 

I have plans to buy a house, to have may be one child  and other worldly stuff planned- but let japa continue through all this, let all this worldly activity aid my spiritual life and not be a hindrance- let it be a way of learning life's lessons-  and if any of these plans goes against God’s wish for me, let it not happen. Let only that which God (my best well-wisher) wants for me happen. 

Right now I have the idea to do these purascharanas until the body becomes old. So God and Guru, if it is your wish that this happens, give me the strength and determination to do this – no matter what happens in life. I will have to face numerous crises in life I know it - life is not a piece of cake I have seen (one has to face disease/suffering and death of beloved ones)-  but let the japa continue no matter what.

So here’s to a lifetime of purascharanas! If Durga, Hari and Guru are willing. And in this way I plan to honour my Guru’s command – obedience is better than reverence.

Hari Aum Tat Sat

Two worlds

Hari Om.

Was just reflecting on my day today- the feeling of living in two worlds. I get up in the morning, do a short session of japa (about 20 minutes), then start the usual stuff- breakfast, getting ready and driving to work. I keep a tiny 'altar' consisting of a minute Ganesh and a postcard size picture of my Guru and Krishna on my desk (in a hidden position where my patients can't see it) in my clinic room. In between patients, I repeat my mantra 1-5 times and make a note of this (to encourage me to keep up the habit). On finishing work, I drive back home, eat, bathe and after some chores, do some more japa. Additional stuff comes up from time to time, but that's my basic weekday routine.

I was just thinking I really do feel I live in two worlds. At home, I read the works of Gurus and feel I can more easily live in their thought world..."God is everywhere they say..."Look....a pot exists, a potter must therefore exist. Similarly the world exists- intricate and extraordinary- therefore an extraordinary Creator must exist- get to know Him/Her/That". So the Gurus say. And my heart says- Yes, I feel it....the world is amazing, the Creator must be amazing....I want to know, to experience this. These words of the Gurus from their books make me repeat my mantra with renewed enthusiasm.

But when I enter the outside world, I feel like a fish out of water. Taking the name of God here is an odd behaviour....thinking or talking of God in the outside 'mainstream' majority world is seen as an odd thing, so one has to keep quiet. No talk of God during my worldly day of seeing patients, doing chores etc. "How are you doing? Nice weather today- glad it's not too hot/raining!" Such is the mundane conversation that occurs outdoors.

The contrast between the materialistic and spiritual viewpoints is crazy and extreme. One side says it "the sun", the other says no it is "Surya dev"! One side says the rain is only an automatic process, the other says no it is a deliberate act of God! In this way, the materialists and spirtualists disagree on all worldly things that we experience daily.

The Gurus says the great light in the sky is not "the sun" but a living being full of Grace, a manifestation of the Supreme Light of God- "Surya dev" or "Surya Narayana".  In the Gita, Krishna says Surya is His manifestation. My heart says yes to these ideas/thoughts...I can accept them...Surya obviously nourishes the world, is life-sustaining- giving and sustaining life is a quality of God. (Surya can also take life away, this is also a quality of God).
But from childhood, I was taught to think of the sun as just a hot ball of matter, in which a complex nuclear reaction takes place- and taught to speak of this alone as "the sun"- an impersonal, lifeless, ball of matter.
Then when I discovered my Guru Sivananda, and learned that this is a manifestation of God, I feel like mentally bowing to this great light in the sky, and see it as "Suryadev" or "Narayana". It is not a dead ball of matter for me, it is a living being, the Grace of God working constantly to keep all life on earth alive.
But in day to day conversation, this divine light in the sky, has to be referred to as "the sun" not as "God" or Narayana. People would be worried if I said "God is shining bright in the sky today".

The sad thing is even many spiritual people would think it pretentious to speak of the sun as Surya, and materialists would just think one was mad. So with both groups mostly, one has to keep one's thoughts hidden, private, and speak in a way that is suitably materialistic and not related to God.
In the mainstream world, basically most of the time, I feel I have to hide my thoughts and speak as though there is no God at all, and that it is all lifeless matter.

The sun/Surya issue is just one example. There are so many things in the world that are extraordinary, exquisite, beautiful and worthy of admiration. But expressing awe and wonder at this, especially with reference to God, is not something that most people do or like to hear....mostly people just get on with one mechanical action after another.

So it is difficult for a spiritual aspirant like me trying to think constantly on God because of living in two worlds. The world of the materialists (the majority)who believe there is nothing but what the senses perceive- to them it is all lifeless matter. And the world of the spiritualists, the Gurus, who believe, everything, absolutely everything is God. (Sivananda used to prostrate mentally, sometimes physically, to the rivers, mountains, his toilet, animals everything- seeing God alone in these). There is no "sun" to them, only Krishna/Shiva/Durga/Brahman. There is no dead matter, all is living spirit. But there are very few such spiritual people today to hang out with.

I find it hard work to have to keep moving between these two worlds. I find it a struggle trying to maintain an inner spiritual outlook/viewpoint, while externally appearing to agree with the materialistic viewpoint and concealing my inner world (to avoid seeming pretentious/mad).

Sometimes I wish I lived in a world of Rishis....where everyone was either a spiritual teacher Rishi/Guru, or a spiritual student like me. In such a world, one would always talk of SuryaNarayana not of "the sun". When it rains, one would say "Krishna/God is sending quite a bit of rain down today!" (In the Gita, Krishna says He sends forth and holds back rain- an example showing that God runs the whole Universe).....instead of the usual "Oh it's raining again.....must be a weather front" (lifeless matter viewpoint). But there must be a good reason why God has sent me here...no doubt this is the right place to be (though it is hard work).

It is tiring to mentally try to maintain a different viewpoint from the mainstream. It is exhausting to keep reminding oneself, against the mainstream view, that no all is not dead matter- all is living Spirit. I feel the mantra helps....but even repeating the mantra in the outside world has to be a top secret....a secret from one's friends, one's family, one's boss, the shop assistant etc etc....because very few practice this and they would think one was bonkers (which would make dealing with them difficult!)....so spiritual life is lead in secret. It is not easy at all.

Anyway, enough talking. Am off to do some japa. Am home now after work, and Surya Narayana is sending gentle evening rays that touch my arm. It is a good feeling. :) Imagine rays of light leaving Surya and touching us here on Earth (Doh....not Earth! It's Mother Earth according to the yogis...the "Earth" is of course "Bhu devi" the Earth goddess). Wish my mind had been trained from childhood to call all things by their proper Sanskrit Divine names at least mentally. Anyway, better late than never (i.e. retraining the mind to think right).

Hari Aum Tat Sat.