Two worlds

Hari Om.

Was just reflecting on my day today- the feeling of living in two worlds. I get up in the morning, do a short session of japa (about 20 minutes), then start the usual stuff- breakfast, getting ready and driving to work. I keep a tiny 'altar' consisting of a minute Ganesh and a postcard size picture of my Guru and Krishna on my desk (in a hidden position where my patients can't see it) in my clinic room. In between patients, I repeat my mantra 1-5 times and make a note of this (to encourage me to keep up the habit). On finishing work, I drive back home, eat, bathe and after some chores, do some more japa. Additional stuff comes up from time to time, but that's my basic weekday routine.

I was just thinking I really do feel I live in two worlds. At home, I read the works of Gurus and feel I can more easily live in their thought world..."God is everywhere they say..."Look....a pot exists, a potter must therefore exist. Similarly the world exists- intricate and extraordinary- therefore an extraordinary Creator must exist- get to know Him/Her/That". So the Gurus say. And my heart says- Yes, I feel it....the world is amazing, the Creator must be amazing....I want to know, to experience this. These words of the Gurus from their books make me repeat my mantra with renewed enthusiasm.

But when I enter the outside world, I feel like a fish out of water. Taking the name of God here is an odd behaviour....thinking or talking of God in the outside 'mainstream' majority world is seen as an odd thing, so one has to keep quiet. No talk of God during my worldly day of seeing patients, doing chores etc. "How are you doing? Nice weather today- glad it's not too hot/raining!" Such is the mundane conversation that occurs outdoors.

The contrast between the materialistic and spiritual viewpoints is crazy and extreme. One side says it "the sun", the other says no it is "Surya dev"! One side says the rain is only an automatic process, the other says no it is a deliberate act of God! In this way, the materialists and spirtualists disagree on all worldly things that we experience daily.

The Gurus says the great light in the sky is not "the sun" but a living being full of Grace, a manifestation of the Supreme Light of God- "Surya dev" or "Surya Narayana".  In the Gita, Krishna says Surya is His manifestation. My heart says yes to these ideas/thoughts...I can accept them...Surya obviously nourishes the world, is life-sustaining- giving and sustaining life is a quality of God. (Surya can also take life away, this is also a quality of God).
But from childhood, I was taught to think of the sun as just a hot ball of matter, in which a complex nuclear reaction takes place- and taught to speak of this alone as "the sun"- an impersonal, lifeless, ball of matter.
Then when I discovered my Guru Sivananda, and learned that this is a manifestation of God, I feel like mentally bowing to this great light in the sky, and see it as "Suryadev" or "Narayana". It is not a dead ball of matter for me, it is a living being, the Grace of God working constantly to keep all life on earth alive.
But in day to day conversation, this divine light in the sky, has to be referred to as "the sun" not as "God" or Narayana. People would be worried if I said "God is shining bright in the sky today".

The sad thing is even many spiritual people would think it pretentious to speak of the sun as Surya, and materialists would just think one was mad. So with both groups mostly, one has to keep one's thoughts hidden, private, and speak in a way that is suitably materialistic and not related to God.
In the mainstream world, basically most of the time, I feel I have to hide my thoughts and speak as though there is no God at all, and that it is all lifeless matter.

The sun/Surya issue is just one example. There are so many things in the world that are extraordinary, exquisite, beautiful and worthy of admiration. But expressing awe and wonder at this, especially with reference to God, is not something that most people do or like to hear....mostly people just get on with one mechanical action after another.

So it is difficult for a spiritual aspirant like me trying to think constantly on God because of living in two worlds. The world of the materialists (the majority)who believe there is nothing but what the senses perceive- to them it is all lifeless matter. And the world of the spiritualists, the Gurus, who believe, everything, absolutely everything is God. (Sivananda used to prostrate mentally, sometimes physically, to the rivers, mountains, his toilet, animals everything- seeing God alone in these). There is no "sun" to them, only Krishna/Shiva/Durga/Brahman. There is no dead matter, all is living spirit. But there are very few such spiritual people today to hang out with.

I find it hard work to have to keep moving between these two worlds. I find it a struggle trying to maintain an inner spiritual outlook/viewpoint, while externally appearing to agree with the materialistic viewpoint and concealing my inner world (to avoid seeming pretentious/mad).

Sometimes I wish I lived in a world of Rishis....where everyone was either a spiritual teacher Rishi/Guru, or a spiritual student like me. In such a world, one would always talk of SuryaNarayana not of "the sun". When it rains, one would say "Krishna/God is sending quite a bit of rain down today!" (In the Gita, Krishna says He sends forth and holds back rain- an example showing that God runs the whole Universe).....instead of the usual "Oh it's raining again.....must be a weather front" (lifeless matter viewpoint). But there must be a good reason why God has sent me here...no doubt this is the right place to be (though it is hard work).

It is tiring to mentally try to maintain a different viewpoint from the mainstream. It is exhausting to keep reminding oneself, against the mainstream view, that no all is not dead matter- all is living Spirit. I feel the mantra helps....but even repeating the mantra in the outside world has to be a top secret....a secret from one's friends, one's family, one's boss, the shop assistant etc etc....because very few practice this and they would think one was bonkers (which would make dealing with them difficult!)....so spiritual life is lead in secret. It is not easy at all.

Anyway, enough talking. Am off to do some japa. Am home now after work, and Surya Narayana is sending gentle evening rays that touch my arm. It is a good feeling. :) Imagine rays of light leaving Surya and touching us here on Earth (Doh....not Earth! It's Mother Earth according to the yogis...the "Earth" is of course "Bhu devi" the Earth goddess). Wish my mind had been trained from childhood to call all things by their proper Sanskrit Divine names at least mentally. Anyway, better late than never (i.e. retraining the mind to think right).

Hari Aum Tat Sat.