Hari Aum.
It's strange but in the past couple of weeks I feel like some sort of change is happening in my spiritual outlook. I've found it rather confusing and a bit disconcerting to say the least.
In the past few weeks, I have been feeling a strong sense of frustration, spiritually. I feel like a person who is standing outside a door, knocking on it, but the door is not opening. I am talking about the door to spiritual bliss, spiritual light, full spiritual experience. I feel a sense of fatigue, of frustration, like a person who has been knocking for so long on the door that the knuckles are bleeding. A sense of tiredness, of collapsing outside the door in frustration, thinking "what can I do?", "I am so tired".
We all go through ups and downs in spiritual life. For the past seven years, since I started doing the mantra sadhana daily, I've combined this with karma yoga and honestly, I feel I've given whatever I have to the spiritual path. I've not been perfect, but I feel I have been sincere. I've tried. I won't deny that I feel some benefit from my efforts. But it's whetted my spiritual appetite for more. For the full experience, which I have not yet had. The frustration is tremendous at times but I know I just have to plod on, there is no giving up, there is no other way.
In the past couple of weeks, there is also a weird change in my spiritual outlook. I still like God with name and form, but these days, the formless God appeals so much more. I am less into puja, homam and rituals though I still greatly respect and value these. For now, I just don't feel like doing them anymore. Rather, I like to think of the formless God, ever-present, ever with me. The form of God which is infinity. Infinite light, infinite peace, infinite bliss.
In fact, these days, I like visualising infinite light, which represents infinite peace, when I repeat my mantra. I imagine the energy, the abstract form of Narayana, rather than the form of Narayana. I do not feel like doing mental puja anymore, it just doesn't feel right to me at the moment. I did it daily for several years and now I just feel in need of the abstract form of Narayana. It's pretty strange.
I was discussing this with my husband recently and wondering what's happened to me suddenly (I've always loved pujas, visualising the form of God so it's weird not be be into this anymore). Why this change? Is it me, is it the influence of the pregnancy, or something else? He was quite matter-of-fact and said that maybe this is part of entering a different phase of worship, another style, and advised me to just go with the flow and embrace it. I had been feeling worried at this rather sudden, odd change in my spiritual outlook but I think he may be right. May be this is happening for a reason that isn't obvious to me right now. I've always meditated on the form of Krishna/Narayana, but now I feel like meditating on infinite light, and imagining myself as a particle of light in that infinity.
My health has been poor in recent weeks as a result of the various hormonal effects of pregnancy, including extreme tiredness, constant nausea and occasional vomiting, and the occasional migraine. These health issues, in combination with the intensity of the work in my new job, has compelled me to make a change in my purascharana practice. For now, as long as these health issues continue (hopefully not too long), I am reducing the number of malas of japa from 11 per day to 5 per day. I will see how things go in the coming months and increase again if possible. I'm not putting myself under any pressure though. If need be, I will stick to 5 malas a day and take longer to complete the current purascharana. I will replace the malas with more frequent remembrance of God during the day. I think Narayana cares more about the sincerity of my practice in my current circumstances rather than the absolute number of malas.
Anyway. Onwards and upwards in spiritual life. I will embrace the new phase of my spiritual journey and continue to practice as sincerely as possible. Sincerity ultimately surely has to culminate in success in any endeavour, especially in spiritual life.
Hari Aum Tat Sat.
P.S. I discussed the change in approach to sadhana with the Swami at the Divine Life Society (with whom I have some online satsangs) and his advice was to focus on the 'bhava' (devotional feeling) rather than the number of malas. Also, he said that one should not change the mantra or the deity (I'm not planning to anyway) but one can change the focus of meditation to formless/light instead of the form of a deity. He was of the opinion that it is natural for some changes in approach to sometimes occur when walking the spiritual path.
It's strange but in the past couple of weeks I feel like some sort of change is happening in my spiritual outlook. I've found it rather confusing and a bit disconcerting to say the least.
In the past few weeks, I have been feeling a strong sense of frustration, spiritually. I feel like a person who is standing outside a door, knocking on it, but the door is not opening. I am talking about the door to spiritual bliss, spiritual light, full spiritual experience. I feel a sense of fatigue, of frustration, like a person who has been knocking for so long on the door that the knuckles are bleeding. A sense of tiredness, of collapsing outside the door in frustration, thinking "what can I do?", "I am so tired".
We all go through ups and downs in spiritual life. For the past seven years, since I started doing the mantra sadhana daily, I've combined this with karma yoga and honestly, I feel I've given whatever I have to the spiritual path. I've not been perfect, but I feel I have been sincere. I've tried. I won't deny that I feel some benefit from my efforts. But it's whetted my spiritual appetite for more. For the full experience, which I have not yet had. The frustration is tremendous at times but I know I just have to plod on, there is no giving up, there is no other way.
In the past couple of weeks, there is also a weird change in my spiritual outlook. I still like God with name and form, but these days, the formless God appeals so much more. I am less into puja, homam and rituals though I still greatly respect and value these. For now, I just don't feel like doing them anymore. Rather, I like to think of the formless God, ever-present, ever with me. The form of God which is infinity. Infinite light, infinite peace, infinite bliss.
In fact, these days, I like visualising infinite light, which represents infinite peace, when I repeat my mantra. I imagine the energy, the abstract form of Narayana, rather than the form of Narayana. I do not feel like doing mental puja anymore, it just doesn't feel right to me at the moment. I did it daily for several years and now I just feel in need of the abstract form of Narayana. It's pretty strange.
I was discussing this with my husband recently and wondering what's happened to me suddenly (I've always loved pujas, visualising the form of God so it's weird not be be into this anymore). Why this change? Is it me, is it the influence of the pregnancy, or something else? He was quite matter-of-fact and said that maybe this is part of entering a different phase of worship, another style, and advised me to just go with the flow and embrace it. I had been feeling worried at this rather sudden, odd change in my spiritual outlook but I think he may be right. May be this is happening for a reason that isn't obvious to me right now. I've always meditated on the form of Krishna/Narayana, but now I feel like meditating on infinite light, and imagining myself as a particle of light in that infinity.
My health has been poor in recent weeks as a result of the various hormonal effects of pregnancy, including extreme tiredness, constant nausea and occasional vomiting, and the occasional migraine. These health issues, in combination with the intensity of the work in my new job, has compelled me to make a change in my purascharana practice. For now, as long as these health issues continue (hopefully not too long), I am reducing the number of malas of japa from 11 per day to 5 per day. I will see how things go in the coming months and increase again if possible. I'm not putting myself under any pressure though. If need be, I will stick to 5 malas a day and take longer to complete the current purascharana. I will replace the malas with more frequent remembrance of God during the day. I think Narayana cares more about the sincerity of my practice in my current circumstances rather than the absolute number of malas.
Anyway. Onwards and upwards in spiritual life. I will embrace the new phase of my spiritual journey and continue to practice as sincerely as possible. Sincerity ultimately surely has to culminate in success in any endeavour, especially in spiritual life.
Hari Aum Tat Sat.
P.S. I discussed the change in approach to sadhana with the Swami at the Divine Life Society (with whom I have some online satsangs) and his advice was to focus on the 'bhava' (devotional feeling) rather than the number of malas. Also, he said that one should not change the mantra or the deity (I'm not planning to anyway) but one can change the focus of meditation to formless/light instead of the form of a deity. He was of the opinion that it is natural for some changes in approach to sometimes occur when walking the spiritual path.
