Purascharanas-- experiences and reflections

 Hari Aum.

I was reflecting recently upon my experience of doing mantra japa and purascharanas (particularly the current one).

I started off with my first purascharana in January 2012 filled with enthusiasm and complete uncertainty as to where the mantra would lead me. Would I see any spiritual results? Would I be able to experience anything that previous mantra yogis had experienced? Or would it all be a waste of time, a mere delusion? Was it worth the effort? Would God really listen, was He truly accessible through the mantra? All these and more questions were present in my mind as I set off on my mantra journey-- filled with hope and optimism and with very little experience of this subject. 

It has been over ten years now as I look back at this journey. I would like to share some of my experiences of doing this practice.

The first thing to say is that I have discovered that the mantra clearly works. And yes, it grants experiences (will come to this again later). It is absolutely one with God, it definitely draws the grace of God upon the reciter. It undoubtedly transforms the inner nature. All that the yogis have said about mantras is spot on, they are completely right. That has been my experience so far (I have a lot more to learn regarding this subject but what I have learned so far fits with what I have read and heard of the experiences of mantra yogis of the past and present).

Speaking of spiritual experiences, these can be categorised into those that are joyful and pleasing and those which are painful and upsetting. Both types are essential for the development of the soul. Indeed, the second category of painful spiritual experiences are regarded by many as particularly important.

When a yogi signs up for spiritual life, one signs up for both types of spiritual experiences. Some of these are ordinary, some of these will be unusual or extraordinary. Something or the other will definitely happen if one repeats a mantra regularly for an extended time-- of this there is absolutely no doubt.

So, coming back to the purascharanas, let me summarise the effects or results that I have experienced below:

Purascharana 1: Beginning the spiritual journey

2012-2013

This purascharana involved my first serious commitment to spiritual practice, the spiritual journey (although I had been dabbling in spirituality and started the practice of meditation in the year 2000 aged 17, my spiritual practice had been relatively sporadic until this stage. This was the first time that I decided to commit to an extended spiritual practice such as purascharana that involved daily, regular meditation). 

This involved:

-developing a discipline of repeating the mantra daily

-making a firm commitment to practice yogic ethics as far as possible

-combining mantra japa with karma yoga (as a doctor; I still follow this formula) which felt cleansing for the mind and heart. 

-training the mind to remember that God exists in all. 

-practicing the presence of God.

-doing some puja, homam and spiritual reading along with the mantra japa and karma yoga.

This was a difficult purascharana (due to doing it along with medical training, exams and working unsocial hours) but still doable. It was satisfying to complete this. It created an appetite for more.

There were spiritual experiences in the sense of feeling the presence of God in my life, developing a connection with God. 

Purascharana 2: Continuing the journey

2014-2015

This one built upon the previous one and involved broadly the same experiences. There were some significant challenges in terms of temporary health issues and family issues. However the purascharana continued. I got married during this time and then went on a pilgrimage to India. The pilgrimage was a wonderful experience.

I also started doing manasik puja along with mantra japa during this purascharana (started during Navaratri in 2014 and then just continued). This helped create better concentration upon the deity during japa.

Purascharana 3: Becoming more self-aware (particularly of thoughts, and inner flaws)

2016-2017

In this purascharana, the practices and experiences included those of the previous two. There was an ongoing building of a connection with the deity; an ongoing attempt to continue with japa and other spiritual disciplines. 

However, one additional factor is that I felt I was more aware of my thoughts, I could 'see them' as they arose, more objectively, as a witness. I became more aware of undesirable thoughts when they arose, such as anger, pride etc. I felt more able to consciously reject such thoughts and replace them with the opposite positive ones. I became more aware of the inner battle between the higher and lower mind and positive and negative thoughts.

Purascharana 4: A turning point, specific spiritual experiences

2017-2020

This purascharana was a turning point in many ways. For the first time, I had direct experience of the effects of the mantra that were out of what is regarded as ordinary. I began to have some dream experiences of future events, and also received some guidance from my Guru in dream. I also began to dream more vividly of God (some of these have been described in previous posts). 

I felt encouraged by these experiences, I felt the mantra had created some significant inner transformation (though there was clearly still a long way to go).

I also had my first experience of major spiritual obstacles during this purascharana. Along with the encouraging dreams and positive experiences, came some challenges. The first serious challenge was the spiritual depression in late 2018-early 2019. This was completely out-of-the-blue. I wondered how I went from someone who really enjoyed spiritual practices and mantra japa to somebody who had no taste for these things at all. I wondered if this had to do with pregnancy hormones (I was in my first trimester then and had a bad time with the nausea which did not help my mood). This situation gradually improved but not entirely. 

I also started reading about the life of Lord Krishna (from beginning to end in the Bhagavatam; had read condensed versions previously) in 2017 and felt a strong urge to write about Him too. I ended up writing a series of four books about His life as described in the Srimad Bhagavatam (I did not want to leave out any part of His Lila so it ended up being four books though it is still a condensed version in the sense of leaving out some repetitions found in the original!). I had no plans to write any spiritual books so the strong urge to write this was a bit of a surprise for me but I felt I had no option but to do it-- it felt like an important sadhana for me, an offering to Krishna (my favourite form of Narayana, the deity I worship).

Purascharana 5: Increasing spiritual experiences and very significant spiritual challenges

2020- ongoing (due to finish this year, God willing)

This purascharana has been the most rewarding and by far, the most difficult. It is still ongoing (will hopefully be completed by the end of the year at the latest).

Rewarding because it has shown me that God is very much there for me as He/She is for every one of us. I feel I can reach out to Him for help, any time, anywhere and that He responds. 

There have been ongoing encouraging dreams of Guru and God. (I have written about these in previous posts.) In good times and bad, I feel they are watching over me, that they are protecting me. I am extremely grateful for this blessing.

My connection with my Guru Swami Sivananda feels stronger than ever before. My connection with God, as Mother and Father, feels more alive than ever before. I feel that I wish to be their instrument more than ever before. I am more willing to give up personal desires and wants, and more accepting of the Will of God (though this process of self-surrender is still very much an ongoing process).

And yet, despite all this, the challenges have kept coming (mainly from within me, but from outside too). And they have been pretty terrible.

It would not be an exaggeration to say that the suffering during this purascharana has been unbelievable. I know we have all been through the pandemic and that was horrendous. However, that has merely provided a backdrop for the other challenges in my life. Every aspect of my existence has been disturbed during this purascharana-- health, personal life, professional life, spiritual life. Nothing has been spared. It is my karma no doubt (based on Vedic astrology), but it feels like this is something  beyond that. It feels like an extremely intense spiritual test.

The worst part of this purascharana has been an immensely painful and still ongoing battle between the higher and lower mind. 

The mystic, Paul Brunton's words in his article 'The Dark Night of the Soul' again come to mind (please see below for the link, and also the quotation at the end of this post). He describes a stage where the lower mind wakes up and puts up a terrible fight. The lower mind demonstrates a refusal to submit before the Will of God, a refusal to continue with spiritual life, a powerful insistence on continuing with a mundane sensual existence. This experience comes at some stage to every spiritual seeker.

https://paulbrunton.org/notebooks/23/3

One has to experience this suffering to really understand what it is. Day-in-day-out, week-in-week-out, month-in-month-out, even year-in-year-out, every second, day and night, there is this inner battle within the mind. It is unbelievably exhausting. One just wants to throw in the towel and give up, but one cannot, because one knows that that will lead to self-destruction. One has to continue the fight despite it all. 

At this stage, there arises a feeling of incredible helplessness. One realises that one is completely at the mercy of God. That the lower mind is so powerful in its full manifestation that nothing and nobody except God Himself can vanquish it. 

It feels like every negative samskara (thought impression stored within the deeper subconscious layers of one's mind) from current and past lives is re-surfacing, one after the other and sometimes together. At times, the will can feel very very weak. One feels like one is hanging on to spiritual life by a mere thread; that thread is the grace of God. Like a very small infant, one only feels capable of calling for protection from the Divine Parent, one feels completely incapable of defending oneself against the onslaught of the lower mind.

It becomes clear that all spiritual practices, all spiritual thoughts and experiences, everything, is due to the grace of God alone. One realises that one is not capable of anything without God. That all spiritual practices have happened because of Him, not due to one's efforts. 

It becomes clear that He alone is one's support, one's shelter, one's refuge. It is He alone who protects one's ethics, one's dharma, one's karma, one's material life, one's spiritual life, one's everything.

This purascharana has taught me to let go (the other side of the coin of surrendering to the Will of God). That I cannot insist on anything going the way I want in my life, whether material or spiritual, before God. I have been forced to recognise that it is not in my hands. 

In a very real, tangible way, I have learned that I have no option but to say to God "Thy Will be done". It is clear that nothing in my life is going according to 'my will be done'. I realise, more than ever, that 'man proposes and God disposes'. That the Will of God is higher, wiser and better for us that any of our little wills. That the Will of God is both wonderful and also terrible at times (due to the resistance from the lower self, the inability to let go). 

Ultimately, there is a sense that God alone exists and this entire world and we are a part of His very, very mysterious Divine Play or Lila. One merely says "Please allow me to perform my part well in this Divine Play". That is all.

That is where I am currently in terms of my spiritual life, in terms of my existence. Happy in a way, knowing that God and Guru are there for me, protecting me and protecting all. And yet, terrified because of the ongoing inner battle that seems to have no end in sight, terrified of a spiritual downfall, and sometimes confusion as to what dharma (righteousness, truthfulness) involves in my specific circumstances. 

I always come back to one thing though-- the mantra (the ashtakshara mantra or my Guru mantra of which I have been doing the purascharanas). I mentioned in my previous post on the 'Dark Night of the Soul' from 2019, that the mantra is my light even in the midst of dense darkness. And that is how I feel today. 

Despite all the challenges, all the suffering, all the numerous and never-ending problems and confusions that arise in this experience called human life, I feel the mantra of God is the light. It shows the way. As long as we hang on to this, we will be safe, no matter what (this applies to all mantras and names of God from all spiritual traditions). This will guide us, this will protect us. The name and mantra of God is none other than God Him/Herself.

I will conclude on that hopeful note. 'Onward and Godward' as the yogis say. 

Om Namo Narayanaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.

P.S. This is a quotation from Paul Brunton (from the article/link mentioned above) that relates to some of the points that I have discussed in this post:

"During the "dark night of the soul," as it is called by Spanish mystics, the abrupt yet brief joy of the first awakening to existence of a diviner life is succeeded and thrown into vivid contrast by the long melancholy years of its loss. There will come to him terrible periods when the quest will seem to have been lost, when his personal shortcomings will magnify themselves formidably before his eyes, and when meditation will be dry sterile and even distasteful."

"Not only will it seem that the Divine is saddeningly remote, but also that it is impossible of access. Let him know this and be forewarned, know that even its seeming loss is actually a part of the quest's usual course. Hope must sustain him during such dark periods, and time will show it to be neither a groundless nor an unfulfilled feeling. Those years may be bitter indeed for the ego, may even seem wasted ones, but they have their meaning. First, they bring up to the surface and into kinetic activity all hidden faults, all potential weaknesses, all latent evil, so that they may be exposed for what they are and got rid of--often after their resultant sufferings."

"All the aspirant's latent wickedness (as well as virtue) is actualized by degrees; all of his dormant tempting passions are aroused in turn; all of his animal propensities are brought into play against his worthier ideals; all his insincerities and greeds, untruthfulnesses and vanities sprout quickly from the seed stage into full-grown plants."

"The good qualities show themselves too at the same time, so that there is a terrible struggle within him, a struggle which the laws of the quest ordain he shall endure and complete alone. He becomes a dual personality. No master and no God may interfere with this momentous testing of a human soul at this critical stage of its evolution when the relation between the lower and higher selves is sought to be entirely changed. For it may not pass over into the new and higher life forever unless and until it is really ready for such life. All this happens through events and circumstances both ordinary and extraordinary by a natural law which governs all efforts to rend the mystic veil."

P.P.S This fifth purascharana was to have been completed at the end of last year (usually takes  me around two years to complete one). However, I had to reduce the number of malas to around 7 a day about a year ago due to health and other issues. 

As a result, I will hopefully be able to finish it in the next month or two (health and life permitting!). Frankly, at this stage in my life, I am just grateful to God that I have a daily japa practice and can complete a purascharana at all! 

Om Namo Narayanaya.