Constant remembrance of God: Part 2

 Hari Aum.

Om Namo Narayanaya. Sri Krishna sharanam mama.

Sivananda and the Gurus tell their disciples-- 'Be careful what you ask God for, because you might actually get it (and it may not be quite as you expect!)'.

Many moons ago, in August and December 2013, I wrote some posts regarding my aspiration to remember God constantly. I wrote about how this was a great struggle, how difficult it could be to remember the Divine in the midst of daily activity (whether one lives at home or in an ashram or elsewhere).

How hard it is to remember God, I said. How terrible the senses are, how they lead us away from Him I lamented.

Nonetheless, as advised by my Guru, I persevered. I used various methods to compel my mind to remember God and His name as often as possible during the day (by setting myself reminders, putting up pictures, forming habits of repeating the mantra before and after activities etc etc). 

Over the years, I became quite contented with my spiritual life and the way this was progressing. I was enjoying myself, that is, until God came along and set fire to it all.

It appears that He has given me what I asked for-- constant remembrance of the Divine (or at least virtually constant remembrance! Now I am not able to forget Him even if I want to!). This started gradually at first a few years ago, and has now become a near constant feature of my life. The only issue is (as usual), it is not as I had expected. I had a different idea of constant remembrance of the Divine but I have been given something else!

And, true to my nature (which unfortunately can sometimes be argumentative with the Divine), I have said to God "What is this? This is not the type of remembrance that I asked You for! Please let me have things my way (not Your way!)". I cannot be entirely blamed for feeling this way (as I will explain further below). I do understand now why the Gurus say be careful what you ask for. 

Over the years, I have on many occasions-- ardently, sincerely, intensely, repeatedly-- pleaded with God for His constant remembrance. And now that He has given it to me, I find my life has become very surreal.

It is difficult to operate in daily life with constant remembrance of the Divine, especially when it happens in a form one did not expect. It is difficult to pay full attention to daily duties when the Divine is constantly appearing in one's mental space.

I am very far from being like the exalted gopis in devotion to God (I continue to have many inner flaws and am still working upon these), but I can certainly say that I have now experienced a very tiny drop of the frustration that they experienced. 

"Give us back our minds", they cried to Krishna. "We do not wish to think of You any longer, we cannot function this way!". But, He never let them off. As the yogis say, 'Once He has you in His grip, He never lets you go'. I feel slightly like them-- "Give me back my mind" I say to God, "This is not what I expected from You!". 

In the scriptures, it is mentioned that the company of God is very dangerous indeed (that is, if one wishes to live a normal worldly life)-- by hearing of Him, by repeating His names, one gets transformed gradually from within. The process is long and arduous, and with many strange twists and turns, but the end result is the same. 

Sooner or later, He gets you in His grip and then there is no escape. This is the experience of every yogi and spiritual seeker since time immemorial. And it is natural and guaranteed (not a special experience for a few, but rather, the standard experience of the many-- the only thing is one needs to do regular sadhana or spiritual practice and go through the process).

I spoke with a spiritual mentor about this issue some months ago. After hearing my laments, she gently suggested that I should consider embracing this experience (while telling me that others had also been through the same and done so). 

I tersely replied "This is not the way in which I wished for constant remembrance of Divine! I want my mind back, I cannot cope with this at all!". However, over time, I have come to see the wisdom in her words; perhaps there is some truth in what she said.

To explain the difficulty of this state, I would like to give an analogy.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are in a place where you and many people are playing a game of darts. The dartboard, with its pattern of circles and triangles represents the various common goals of life, including health, wealth, family, friends, spiritual life, and so on. You and other players pick up your allocated darts and aim them at this cosmic dartboard.

As you play, you feel your game is going relatively well (aside from the natural ups and downs of life; the occasional dart falls off the board which is ok)-- you've struck your desired targets of health, wealth, job, spouse, children, family, friends, and even spiritual life. You're winning, you feel quite good about your life.

Suddenly, somebody throws a dart at you! That dart was on fire, and so, you now find yourself alight-- your clothes are burning and you feel very uncomfortable indeed. The people around you, however, are oblivious and blissfully carry on playing the game. They cannot see that you are burning-- because this is a mystic fire (and they have not been set alight, at least, not in the same manner as you!). 

You look around in shock-- 'Who threw that?' you ask, 'What's going on, please help me God!', you say inwardly, while unsuccessfully trying to douse the flames! 

Usually if a fire breaks out, there will be a great commotion. People rush to help, and a fire engine may be called-- there is naturally much concern and sympathy for those affected.

But, not so for the person who is set alight inside. No, you burn alone, in your constant remembrance of the Divine. If you dare to raise the topic that you are in distress with the majority of other darts players (and hope for some sympathy-- as you are on fire after all!), they will only look at you unsympathetically and tell you that everything is ok and that you should just carry on playing! But how can one play as normal when one has been set on fire by the Universe?

And, every day, you are naturally expected to carry on fulfilling your duties, even while you try and flap at those flames that are consuming you from within. You must keep throwing your darts-- to maintain health, family, wealth, work, spirituality and everything else. This is dharma, this is karma, this must be done.

You can hopefully now see what I mean about the nature of the problem!

Constant remembrance of anything, even the Divine (whether as Divine Masculine or Divine Feminine or any other form of the God) is actually quite a challenging experience.

Day after day, night after night, all the time, to remember something or someone, be it even the Divine, is no joke. And the remembrance is not even a casual remembrance; it is intense, constant, overwhelming.

So, now the devotee says, "Please God, kindly relieve me of Your constant remembrance! I am sorry that I asked for Your remembrance, I had no idea what I was talking about!"

But, in response, God is silent. Despite many prayers, His response is only silence. In other words, you realise, this is His will and He has no intention at all of removing this experience. It dawns upon you that this was all a part of His plan.

Then one cannot help but think, "What else could I have expected from such a well-known trickster such as Krishna?". He is famed for creating trouble in people's lives, I should have known that something like this would happen!" 

(One even wonders, "Alas, instead of the Divine Masculine form as Krishna, if only I had been drawn to the sweet Divine Mother as my ishta devata, or perhaps the noble and austere Lord Shiva, this calamity might not have happened....this particular type of spiritual problem might not have occurred! I have heard They do not play such tricks upon Their devotees!"-- this may not be strictly true though!). 

So I remember God pretty much all the time currently. Constantly, unrelentingly, and though I try my best to distract myself from thoughts of Him, it does not really work. I find that I have strangely been blessed with what I have been asking for all these years-- constant remembrance of the Divine (as the Divine Masculine). It is not as I had expected but it must be spiritually good as it appears to be in accordance with the will of God.

I am writing this just to say that theory and practice are two different things. The theory of constant remembrance of God is one thing-- it sounds sweet and delightful. The practice, on the other hand, is a different thing altogether. It can be sweet and charming sometimes, and at other times, it is simply terrifying. 

So rest assured, if you are walking the spiritual path, that you will indeed experience the constant remembrance of God. But it may not be exactly as you expect (though ultimately, it is bound to be for the higher good, as after all, it is occurring by the will of the Divine)!

Om Namo Narayayana. Om Sri Durgayai Namah. Om Namo Bhagavate Sivanandaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.