Tug of war

Swami Sivananda says "Bear insult, bear injury. This is the highest sadhana." Sounds good, but very difficult to practice.

Today I had a chance to see how well I can practice this maxim of my Guru. It was a mixture of success and failure, mostly failure. I experienced a particularly unpleasant tug of war between my higher mind and lower mind.

The episode involved a group of rude strangers. I am presently at an ayurvedic resort receiving some rejuvenation treatment (feeling utterly exhausted after five years of working as a trainee doctor). After the treatment involving a brisk massage with warm medicated oils, the patients are expected to rest in an open area for an hour and only then bathe. I was resting in a chair and reading a book (had just started the introduction chapter to the Lalita Sahasranama). The patients here are a mixture of Indians and visitors from abroad. While I was reading quietly, a group of three non-Indians came and sat close to me and started making fun of the way local Indians speak English. What was slightly comical is English was not their native tongue either and they spoke with pretty strong accents themselves! I thought it was reasonable to find an accent funny, but to loudly and crudely make fun of an accent in the presence of a native of that country (myself) was uncalled for. They glanced sidelong at me a few times, clearly well aware that I could hear them, and either not caring what I thought, or deliberately trying to be insulting. I remained like a statue externally, entirely absorbed in my book, and seemed oblivious to their comments. I did not speak a word to them or look at them....after a while, they walked away.

Although externally calm, inwardly I was witnessing a fine battle between my higher mind and lower mind.

The higher mind said many things such as "let it go...what's the big deal.....don't react....don't get annoyed....it's a spiritual test.....remember they have God inside them too....how can you get angry with a manifestation of God......remember to see God in all.....a true saint, a real bhakta, would feel goodwill to such people not anger....remember anger is an asuric property, a flaw in the mind...they are doing this out of foolishness only....their conduct harms only them, why should it affect you...be calm...compose yourself.....dear, dear, you have a long way to go on the spiritual path!"

The lower mind on the other hand was practically somersaulting in indignation....it said things like...."how rude!!.......why are they saying these things in my presence deliberately to irritate me, or not caring about the impact of their words.....I don't even know them!.....how would they feel if I visited their country and made fun of the local acccent in front of them......vulgar, crude, mannerless people....their karma will get them!....belonging to a wealthy country in this life is not a permanent position of strength....it is not a guarantee of a place in heaven and certainly not of self-realisation......they will have to bow down in humility to all before they can realise God....such impertinence.....Grrrr!"

In the middle of all this, I was also talking to God, saying look what a position You have placed me in. Clearly this is a spiritual test. You have manifested Yourself as these people and are being rude to me (who am also a manifestation of You). On top of this, I am experiencing all these un-spiritual negative emotions in response which painfully remind me what a beginner I am on the spiritual path. Why can't You make these ignoble feelings in me go away? I feel very frustrated at my reaction to these people- it makes me feel like I have made no spiritual progress at all!
What type of Lila is this? Your Lilas are always highly confusing.  I cannot believe how far away I am from becoming a saint. My mind is utterly wretched. On the bright side, it is said that all will realise God so I just have to plod on and keep saying Your name. What a mess this world is. All sorts of mad people, including me, thinking negative thoughts indiscriminately about each other. It is no wonder that the world is filled with fighting of every type and every kind of misery. Oh God, have pity on us, poor humanity, the majority of whom have no idea of the mind, how to control it, have no purpose in life aside from living a very basic existence with petty thoughts.

This episode was yet another reminder of how far I have to go before I entertain loving thoughts spontaneously to those who try to harm me. Bear insult, bear injury- it's no joke. Becoming a Krishna, Buddha or Jesus is clearly not at all easy. But plod on we must, with the Name of God as our trusty companion. As Gurudev says, for beginners on the path, the world in our best Teacher. Dreaming one is a great yogi while meditating in a cave is one thing, but the ability to handle the world and all the people in it with equanimity and goodwill is the real test of our yogic abilities, and of our spiritual strength.

Hari Om Tat Sat.

Prahlad, the puranas and spiritual adversity

Hari Om,

As mentioned in previous posts, I have taken a career break from medical practice for four months to travel in India with my husband to undertake a pilgrimage and spend time with family.

I am currently reading a copy of the Vishnu Purana which was given to me by my father as a wedding gift in July this year. I did the online "Introduction to Puranas" course run by the Oxford University Hindu Studies department earlier this year. It consists of a series of very nice talks given by Dr Nicholas Sutton who is a Sanskrit scholar - he speaks in a very lively manner and explains some very interesting points about the puranas. He also discusses the common misconception that the puranas are for child-like people with poor intellects who are not fit to read lofty spiritual books such as the Upanisads.

He points out that this is a serious misunderstanding- because the characters in the puranas often make speeches that are of profound spiritual content of similar nature to those made in the Upanisads and other lofty spiritual texts. So to dismiss the puranas as child's play is a tragic error.

Like many children growing up in India these days, I learned very little about the puranas. While my grand-parents on my paternal side were very devout people, as were my great-grandparents on both sides- most of them had passed away by the time I was a child and so I was not able to learn anything of these subjects from them. My own parents, like many others in their generation, have largely rejected the ancient spirituality of India in exchange for entirely scientific rational virtually atheistic thought. So there was very little spiritual input in my upbringing. Fortunately, my father in his old age, has re-discovered a love for the spirituality that he was taught as a child, and I enjoy discussing books like the Gita with him- but sadly, even he is conditioned to look down upon the puranas as mere children's tales.

So this course was the first real introduction I had to the puranas. Imagine- an Indian person, born and raised in India, learning about the greatness of the puranas from an Englishman. It is very commendable that western scholars have taken such an interest in these ancient subjects. And it is really sad that most Indians have spurned and rejected their own culure. Certainly the caste-system and other prejudiced practices that have nothing to do with Advaita Vedanta (which views everything as God, so there is no question of superiority or inferiority), have made people of little understanding reject the good along with the bad. To reject meditation and yoga (which have so much to offer humanity in terms of mental peace and physical welfare) along with foolish and ignorant social customs such as the caste system is like throwing out the baby with the bath water. One hopes that in the future, Indians will once again embrace the timeless spiritual practices that help us live harmoniously with one another and with all of nature, and that show the way to attainment of the highest spiritual knowledge.

Coming back to the Vishnu purana, I have nearly finished reading the first book out of six (it consists of six books in total). At the end of the first book, is the story of the great child devotee of Vishnu called Prahlad. The story was familiar to me, but it was wonderful to read Prahlad's speeches. He makes sublime speeches on the nature of reality, the suffering in the the universe, the solution to the suffering, the path of spirituality, on devotion to God. He also makes some beautiful speeches in praise of Vishnu.

The most extraordinary thing, is that he is surrounded by spirtual adversity in every possible way. I can't think of too many spiritual characters who faced such great and horrendous adversity at every step in their life (no friends at all!). The people he lives with dislike God and spirituality- not only this, they do not follow a live and let live policy. They insist that nobody else should like God and spirituality either- so they give Prahlad a very nasty time (to put it mildly!). They try to burn him, poison him, bury him under rocks and lots more- basically try their best to hurt and kill him in every posisble way.

Prahlad however remains smilingly unperturbed by their efforts as he sees his beloved God Vishnu in these people who see him as their enemy. As a result he feels great affection for these individuals attempting to kill him. As his mind is perpetually thinking on God, and as he feels himself to be the eternal blissful soul that is one with God, not the temporary body, he feels not the slightest pain or disturbance when his enemies try to destroy his body. He calmly bears with all their attacks without resisting in any way, while keeping his mind steadily at the feet of God.  He also asks God to forgive and bless these people trying to kill him. What a brilliant devotee.

 His example is a good one for those of us who have some interest in spirituality who often feel a sense of despair at being surrounded by intensely materialistic people and places. Sometimes I wonder, how I can progress in the spiritual path- as not only do I have to deal with my own lower materialistic nature, but I have to stop it being strengthened by the materialistic people all around me! Yes it is true that these materialistic people are all manifestations of God, but they do not help one on the spiritual path. God himself says that company of sadhus and saints (satsang) is essential for progress on the spirtual path. To have some satsang, I am planning to visit Ashrams in both North and South India next month and again in January. However, I have found Prahlad's example extremely inspiring.

I have been feeling a bit lost at times lately. Although I am very fortunate to have loving family and friends, nobody I know personally is interested in japa and God rememberance in the way I am. I believe everyone is doing what is right for them at any point in time. Some are doing no spiritual activities, others are doing different types of spiritual activities. I firmly believe we are all where we are meant to be, where the Universe wants us to be. But the long and short of it, is that I feel a bit alone on my quest to attain God through japa, and in the pursuit of constant remembrance of God. No doubt there are other people who are also following a similar path to me, but I do not know any of them personally! While I do not feel the need to discuss every detail of my spiritual life with others, I do sometimes wish I had one or two close spiritually minded friends who are as obsessed with japa and trying to attain constant God remembrance as I am. I feel this would help me on the spiritual path.

Anyway Prahlad's example makes me feel that it is quite possible to attain God even when one is surrounded by adverse circumstances.  The poor boy was surrounded by terrible asuras, I am only surrounded by confused materialistic human beings who at least do not want to kill me because I worship Vishnu! I have to deal with my internal asuras yes, but at least not too many external asuras!

Life is quite tricky- sometimes I do feel fed up of its inane nature. People talk constantly about what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, what to buy, where to go- almost never do you hear about God in ordinary conversation. To meet people interested in God one has to take oneself miles away to an Ashram, and even there one is not always lucky. There are some people in ashrams who are very genuine, but some are not really interested in attaining God and are simply there for other reasons. So all in all, one feels mostly alone in this search. Sometimes I wish people like Swami Sivananda and Chidananda, Prahlad and others would come back to human existence and I could spend time with them. They are the people like whom I would like to become. Their sayings and writings are close to my heart.

Anyway things are as they are meant to be. I am aiming to finish reading the Vishnu purana by the end of February if not sooner. In the meantime, my second purascharana continues at a slow and steady pace-  I am doing a mere 7 malas a day which takes just over half an hour, but it has been tricky to do more at present to due family engagements this month in India. Instead of sitting for longer sessions currently, I try to remember God and repeat my mantra as often as possible during the day, and also am keeping up the manasik puja to an extent. I am getting to the half way point of this purascharana. I just want to enjoy doing it- am not keen to finish in a hurry, I like the idea of doing it slowly and steadily for now. I will have more time for japa in December when we visit an ashram and do a pilgrimage of temples in Tamil Nadu.

I just want to add a note of thanks to the readers of this blog, particularly those who are also fellow japa yogis. Thank you for your comments about your own practice on the purascharana page, for your advice on my practice and other general observations. You have encouraged and inspired me. It helps to know there are others also stolidly marching along on this long and sometimes weary journey to God. In a strange way, you provide me company on my own path, and I thank you for that.

Hari Om Tat Sat. Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu. May all beings be happy.

Manasik Puja

I am currently visiting India for four months with my husband. We are planning to spend time with my family and also undertake a pilgrimage in Kerala, Tamil Nadu and Rishikesh. I have heard about the great temples of Tamil Nadu and am looking forward to seeing them for the first time- we will be visiting Kanchipuram, Mahabalipuram, Sri Rangam, Tanjore, Rameswaram and Madurai. This way we will be able to pay respects to three wonderful forms of the Divine-  Devi, Hari and Hara! Am hoping to do some extra japa as well as some puja/homam in these places.

Speaking of puja, I have recently been doing some manasik puja. It is really quite interesting. Especially as I was someone who could barely visualise the form of my ishta devata Hari/Krishna when I started my first purascharana in 2011. My Guru Sivananda said, try to visualise the deity in the anahata or ajna chakra during loud (vaikhari) or whispering (upamasu) japa. One cannot do visualization during mental japa because then the japa stops. One can do loud/whispering japa with mental visualization however.

My mind could not do this at all well in the past- I could barely see the deity- so I did as Sivananda advised in this situation, and simply tried to concentrate on the sound of the mantra that I was saying.

I somehow slid into a regular habit of doing manasik puja since last month. During the Navaratri sadhana last month, I decided to do manasik puja of different forms of Devi. I felt I needed to worship my Guru and Hari also with Her. I thought it would be fun to worship all three together- it felt more complete. I see Hari as the origin of my Guru and Devi (three forms of the same God) so this made sense to me.

Swami Chidananda, a wonderful disciple of Swami Sivananda, used to say one should use imagination and creativity in one's bhakti. One should find some way or the other of directing one's thoughts towards God. Bearing this in mind, I decided to use the basic knowledge I had of physical puja procedures and carry these out mentally- adding in my imagination.

So I let myself imagine. I imagined a beautiful house made of solid gold and studded with precious gems in the centre of my chest (anahata chakra). Surrouding the house were lovely gardens, beautiful trees, flowers, lakes and birds singing pleasantly. The sunlight was perfect - neither too hot nor too cold. Into this house in this beautiful realm, I invited Lord Hari, Devi and my Guru to stay. I imagined an elegant bed in the room of the house where they slept at night.

In the morning, when I started japa, I would imagine going to wake them up. I would lead them outside the house to where three clean ponds with lotuses were located- each pond was dedicated to one of them. They would step into the ponds clothed in special cotton clothes (covered up of course as per Indian tradition!) to bathe. They would then step out and I would provide each of them with towels to dry themselves and with new clothes made of silk and soft velvety slippers. Always yellow garments for Hari, pink/red/white clothes for Devi and orange clothes for my Guru. I would then offer them each a unique flower garland- tulasi leaves with white/blue flowers for Hari, variegated flowers of pink, red and white for Lakshmi and marigold/orange and yellow flowers for Guru.

I would then lead them to a place in the front courtyard of the gold house where a stunning throne was present. The throne was one with three seats- Hari would sit in the middle, with my Guru Sivananda to His right, and Goddess Lakshmi to His left.

I would then offer them a drink of water to start. Then offer various foods in dishes made of gold (I am rich enough to do this in this realm!). Fruit, kheer, kitchri, jaggery rice, payasam- all kinds of different sattvic foods to eat. Buttermilk and water to drink. Sometimes also pots of pure ghee, butter and curds for Hari (given His infamous fondness for these). While doing all this, I would of course continue the loud japa without a break with one part of my mind. I felt as though Hari, Guru and Devi could hear the japa while all the other stuff was going on and that they were pleased.

After they finished the main meal, I would offer them the traditional betel nut with leaf or tamboolam (for proper digestion). Then I would clear away all the used dishes and wash them up and leave them to dry. After doing the washing up, I would then imagine myself taking a quick dip in a separate pond set aside for me, and return in clean crisp white clothes to sit in front of them and do the japa. Or I would allow myself to do any other form of worship I liked afterwards- offering incense, waving lights, offering flowers etc. Whatever I felt like doing. The key was to enjoy it, be spontaneous and keep up the concentration.

I notice my mind wanders much less away from God during japa as a result of this. Previously during loud japa, my mind would wander hither and thither. Now it is harder for it to wander. My concentration generally remains on the mental puja and the mantra. At the end of the puja, I ask for true bhakti and jnana and to become the type of devotee and disciple that God and Guru want. I also ask that all beings may be blessed with bhakti, jnana and attunement to the Divine Will, and also for peace everywhere on Earth.

I find that manasik puja has made my japa practice much more interesting. I now do this puja every day with the morning japa. I don't tell myself that I have to- but I enjoy doing it now. I do a simpler less elaborate version when I am tired. If I am very tired for any reason, I skip it and just try to hear the sound of the mantra. But most days now, I do manasik puja with japa.

I am able to visualise the deities much better now (though still not perfectly) than I ever used to be able to. I feel this is the result of purification by repetition of the mantra regularly for nearly three years. Whatever progress has been made feels like it is due to the grace of the mantra, of Guru and Devi. I cannot describe the greatness of the mantra because I do not fully understand it myself, and have not fully experienced it yet. But the little I have experienced is wonderful. When God Himself cannot explain the glory of His Name, we need not try! However we certainly are advised to practice and experience it. I am very grateful to my wonderful Guru Swami Sivananda for giving me the mantra and for his inspiration and to Devi for providing the skakti to keep up the sadhana. And to the mantra itself for effecting such wonderful changes. The Name of God is certainly something quite extraordinary and wonderful.

Hari Om Tat Sat

The sacred Guru

I was reflecting on the Guru principle of the Universe recently. What it is from a disciple's perspective.

It is difficult to truly understand the Guru. Because the Guru is God Him/Herself.

However, as a disciple, one has to be able to recognise and follow a true Guru. To be able to make genuine spiritual progress.

Many say the Guru finds the disciple. Not that the disciple finds the Guru. And also that the Guru never abandons the disciple even if the disciple abandons him/her. The relationship between Guru and disciple is the deepest strongest bond- one that lasts lifetime after lifetime.

I feel the Guru represents the purest rays of God's Grace. If God is the Sun, then the Gurus are the rays of the Sun that touch the Earth and provide light in our lives. We experience the Sun through it's rays. Similarly we experience and know of God through the presence of the Guru in our life.

Words that come to mind when one thinks of Guru are: pure, holy, sacred, stainless, infinitely loving, truly selfless, true devotee of God, wise, merged with God, God Himself.

Gurus whose sacred feet have walked over the Earth have always been infinitely compassionate and loving. The hallmark of a Guru is this terrific compassion that they have for others, to the point where they do not care about any suffering they have to undergo to serve others.

Swami Sivananda showed this on numerous occasions in his own life. For example when he stayed awake all night with ill patients without charging them a penny, when he cared for sick people lovingly. And famously, when as a monk, he carried a very ill Swami suffering from diarrhoea on his shoulders for miles to a local hospital in Rishikesh. Even when immersed in sadhana, he cared for the sick and suffering.

The Buddha famously in his previous incarnation (before becoming the Buddha) gave up his own life to appease a hungry tigress who was about to kill and eat her own cubs.

Swami Chidananda (Swami Sivananda's disciple and later President of his Master's ashram) built huts for people suffering from leprosy in the grounds of his family home before he became a monk. He lovingly cared for them at a time when most people would run away from them- as proper medical treatments/cures were not available then. Swami Chidananda was less concerned about his own health and well being, and more concerned with the welfare of these unfortunate people. His ishta devata was Sri Ram, and he served them seeing Ram and only Ram within them (he later taught his students to serve seeing God in all). He felt he was serving God himself, not doing people with leprosy a favour. It was a sacred puja for him.

Contemplating the goodness, purity and holiness of beings like Swami Chidananda simply fills one's heart with delight. Where I see Swami Sivananda as my spiritual father, I see Swami Chidananda as my spiritual mother. He has such a compassionate heart. The effect of reading one of his works is to immediately want to do sadhana with even greater interest and vigour. Glory glory to Swami Sivananda, glory glory to Swami Chidananda.

This compassion, extraordinary love, love that can only be described as Godly, in fact no less than the love of God Himself- this seems to be the hallmark, the feature of true Gurus.

Ramakrishna Paramhamsa, Sivananda, Vivekananda, Anandamayi Ma- all these great saints and others- declared that all paths to God are one, and that humanity must live divinely knowing that God exists in all beings. When God exists in all beings, how can we dislike anybody or any thing? As disciples we do have these dislikes, and have to keep working on ourselves to remove them - by various techniques such as repetition of the Name of God, a potent method advised by the saints.

It is extremely sad therefore to see numerous individuals today, styling themselves as the sacred Guru, who have no such qualities of a Guru. In fact, many of them instigate violence and negative thoughts about other religions/nations in their followers. Devoid of compassion, devoid of humility, devoid of decency and good sense, full of pride and enjoying the fawning compliments of their followers, filled with pride and the spirit of sermonizing- they sit on the pedestal they have created for themselves. There are numerous people today who, calling themselves Gurus, lead their blind followers into greater and greater darkness. It is really very sad.

Not least because these people go against the teachings of the true Guru. Where the true Guru promotes love and tolerance towards all races, religions and basically everybody and everything- the false teacher promotes violence, negative thinking and dislike of other races, nations and religions. Where the true Guru says, the world is of duality- good and evil have always existed here- mend yourself, correct your defects, be indifferent to the faults of others- the false teacher denounces others, stirs up dislike of others in their followers, and causes more harm than good in the world. The true Guru is a force of peace and harmony- the false teacher is a force of chaos and disharmony.

May God in the form of the true Guru ever protect and guide us. May we always aspire to be perfect disciples and devotees. May God transform us into the devotee He wishes to see. May Guru transform us into the disciple He wishes to have. May we desire only to be true disciples (instead of being the next Guru!) and true devotees that are pleasing to Guru and God.

May our internal enemies be destroyed, may we be indifferent to the faults of others. May we keep the Name of God ever by our side as our protection, as the bestower of blessings, and to protect us from all negativity within and without, to bring all auspiciousness into our lives.

Swami Sivananda's writings on the Guru Principle in the Universe
http://www.dlshq.org/download/gurutattva.htm

Adi Sankaracharya's Guru Ashtakam slokas in praise of Guru set to beautiful music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqCji-oDTlA

Prostrations again and again to all true Gurus, to the Guru who is God Himself as Teacher.

Om Sri Gurave Namah. Om Namo Bhagavate Sivanandaya. Om Namo Bhagavate Chidanandaya.

Om Krishnam Vande Jagat Gurum.

Navaratri sadhana

I am approaching the half way point of the current purascharana. Have been doing more japa in the last three weeks as I have had more time- have been doing 4 hours a day on average. Not a huge amount, but it's a big jump from the 1/2-1 hour a day I was doing in the past few months while inundated with work pressures, exam preparation and organising my wedding. I wanted to do six hours a day but my mind just could not take it (not could my body- everything ached after sitting still for an hour).

The last three weeks have been the first continuous period of time in the last few years that have been mostly dedicated to sadhana (without work/any major outside commitments). It was surprisingly tough. The mind is so ambitious and hopeful, but when it actually comes down to doing things, it is not so easy. I have had four one hour sessions of japa since September 1. This is going to continue until Sept 21. After that I will have to reduce back to 1 hour a day for a while as I am moving house next week and have tons of packing to do. Might try and increase the japa again next month on moving home, before traveling to India. I have also done some homams at home and have been doing tarpanam in the last few weeks as it is pitru paksha (the two week period to pay homage to our ancestors and get their blessings for material and spiritual progress).

The obstacles in the more intense sadhana were many. Various cravings grew stronger- e.g. chocolate, a weakness of mine (luckily am skinny otherwise would be in even more trouble). Also have had difficult being disciplined with routine- going to bed on time is surprisingly hard. My interest in vedic astrology also re-surfaced in the past three weeks and I have been reading about it in between my japa- almost obsessively in fact, mostly trying to get insights into my spiritual path from it. I've been telling myself it is an apara vidya, a limited form of knowledge and therefore not something I ought to spend too much time with. I would be better off doing some spiritual reading instead. However my interest in it has remained and I have decided to use it as a spiritual tool and dedicate my studies in it to the Divine- may bet I am meant to learn more about it. I also suddenly have a wish to learn about vastu- the ancient Vedic science of design and construction based on natural laws. I am going through a Jupiterian phase according to vedic astrology, hence possibly the revival of interest in all these esoteric subjects. I have also started a beginner's online course in Sanskrit which I am enjoying very much. Fortunately I can read Devanagari script which makes learning this language a lot easier.

Anyway I am now getting to the halfway stage of this, my second, purascharana. I feel that the Divine Mother alone is the inspiration and strength to keep going with this and other sadhanas. She is after all, called Iccha shakti (will power), Kriya Shakti (power of action) and Jnana Shakti (power of learning). It is good that Navaratri is coming up next week as this is a good chance to do some simple yet effective sadhana to say thank you to Her and invoke Her blessings for ongoing sadhana.

My plan is to do three malas a day of Om Dum Durgayai Namah on the first three days that are dedicated to Durga. Then three malas a day of Om Sri MahaLakshmyai Namah for the next three days of Lakshmi. And then three malas a day of Om Aim Sarasvatyai Namah for the following three days to pay homage to Mother Saraswati. Finally on Vijaya Dasami I would like to do a homam with just ghee offerings to the Divine Mother to the chanting of all three mantras, and also the Navarna mantra of Mother. I will also aim to do an abhishekam, bathing the deity in milk and water once daily throughout the nine days after chanting of mantras.

Spirtual sadhana seems to involve a lot of rising and falling. I see it a bit like being a ice skater or a ballet dancer. People who excel in these fields have to suffer many falls and injuries first, before maturing over many years and then being able to deliver flawless performances. Spiritual life seems similar to me. It is not for those afraid of failure, and a few cuts and bruises. It is hard work to deal with one's errant mind that always wants its own way. One fails and fails again. (Drat that chocolate) Yet I think the secret is that one must rise again and again from the ashes of failure, a bit like the mythological bird, the phoenix. One needs to emerge from the ashes like the phoenix, inspired and strong, ready for another day. Another day of sadhana and possibly failures, but each bit of sadhana is one step closer to success. And when the Divine Mother has us in Her lap, and looks after our sadhana, there is nothing to fear and all is ultimately well.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundaye Vicche

Unglamorous spiritual experiences

I was mulling over the subject of spiritual experiences today. What have I actually attained after two years of consistent daily japa, and about nine years of being sporadically on the path? That doesn't sound like very much actually when compared to the likes of people like my Guru Swami Sivananda who meditated up to 14 hours a day for 12 years!

Still the mind wants returns. I was feeling a bit grumpy and depressed, thinking it is all futile and I am going nowhere. My mind is sometimes well-behaved, sometimes all over the place. Concentration is not easy. It's an uphill battle.

I read books of yogis having divine visions, seeing deities, chatting and laughing with them, getting Darshan of their Ishta. And wonder, how much more do I need to do?

That is clearly not the right approach.

The sensible side of my mind reads what Sivananda says as a cure for depression/irritability/frustration on the spiritual path: "Say Thy will be done. Let go." That makes a lot of sense.

God knows what is best for us. I ought to be grateful that He has given me a desire for liberation and the determination to do a little sadhana. Sometimes I am able to sincerely say "Thy will be done, I want nothing" as Guruji advises. At other times, my bartering mind asks God "when can I have liberation?". Then in despair, knowing that the bartering attitude is not good, I can only say "please help me to develop a vestige of real devotion".

What would divine visions grant me after all? May be God knows that it would only fatten my ego, even subtly. Why want more illusions in this already strange illusory not-what-it-seems world? It would only mess me up further. May be that is why He has not given me any fancy spiritual experiences.

I ought to be grateful that God has given me blessings such as increasing remembrance of Him and repetition of my Guru mantra, a thirst for spiritual life and spiritual practice. Constant remembrance of God leads to Him - and Krishna reminds us in the Gita- one who sees Him everywhere is never separated from Him.

The only weird out-of-the-ordinary experiences I've had have not been glamorous at all- in fact, they have been highly unpleasant. But they have seriously whetted my appetite for repetition of the the mantra/doing japa, and so I am grateful to God for them.

In the past ten years, I have had 4-5 odd experiences of altered consciousness. I look like I'm having a seizure, but I'm not- because I'm conscious during it and that is not normally the case with people who have seizures.  Out of the five episodes, three were triggered by pain/emotion, so the neurologist concluded this is not epilepsy, but rather, a variation of a normal faint.

During the seizure,  I experience a very unpleasant state of consciousness. Prior to the onset, I feel a burning sensation in my solar plexus, and my body sweats, and then the world disappears in the twinkling of an eye. Very suddenly.  In place of the world, there is a terrific blackness and the sensation of speed- tremendous speed- difficult to describe. It feels like I myself am this blackness. There is a sense of struggle, of not accepting what is happening, of wanting to come back- this produces fear, not least because it feels like I am dying. In fact,  my personality does die, albeit temporarily, because in this state, there truly is no me as I know myself in the waking world. There are no thoughts, no idea of who I am, of my name, my relations or this world at all. Just the frightening blackness. I've never seen blackness like that in the waking world.

Out of curiosity, I did some reading recently as to what this unpleasant state of consciousness could be. The closest description I have read comes from Swami Muktananda where he describes yogis turning back in fear when their meditation leads them to a terrifying blackness that feels like they are dying. He calls this the "black light". He states this is the experience of the causal body, and the yogi who remains fearless, goes beyond this to the supra-causal state, the  beautiful "blue pearl". I feel the causal body could be what I experienced.

In the midst of that darkness and fear, somehow the Name of God always appears. There are no other thoughts in that terrifying blackness. The words "Narayana", "Keshava" have arisen in the past. And afterwards (it lasts about 2 minutes, but feels like an eternity to me at the time), I come back to my normal consciousness, in a completely terrified state (sometimes undignifiedly shouting the Name of God). I feel tremendous relief at being back, at returning to the waking familiar state, and marvel how quickly this world of names and forms can disappear and reappear. I also realise the uncertainty of life (how quickly it is lost) and the value of the Name of God.

People who have witnessed my undergoing this experience describe what we doctors would call a generalised seizure. My body goes completely stiff initially, eyes rolling, breathing almost stops, pulse drops very low- then arms and legs jerk and finally I come back again. They say it lasts about 2-3 minutes but in that state, it feels much longer.

On one occasion it happened after japa (in 2006), on another it happened in the middle of the night for no reason. On two occasions it happened when I felt pain, and on one occasion when I was observing a patient in pain. So pain has been a trigger at times, but not always.

So the only unusual experiences I have had, have not been at all glamorous. No beautiful Gods and Goddesses here. Only blackness, and then the Name of God. Each time it has happened it has powerfully shown me that when nothing else can help, the Name alone can. That God alone is really there for me.

This hasn't fattened my ego (as far as I know anyway), it has just scared the hell out of me. And taught me an invaluable lesson i.e. While alive, repeat the Name of God, repeat the mantra- hang on to it for dear life.

These experiences are the basis for my desire for japa. I would not be doing purascharanas were it not for these unglamorous events so I am grateful to them. I have seen how the Name protects me. And I want to make sure I form a habit of repeating it so naturally, so regularly, while living in this body, so that when I meet the final darkness, when this personality of mine really dies, the Name naturally arises in my mind and I go to the One who is the Name. Ideally I'd like to realise Him while in the body rather that waiting till the last minute (i.e. death) of course but that depends on Him.

Hari Om Tat Sat

Purascharana Two amendment

Due to a combination of recent ill health (fortunately now better), exam stress (four weeks away!) and the stress of working full-time, I have been forced to slow down the pace of my second purascharana. I am now doing seven malas a day i.e. 35 minutes japa a day. I will intensify it again in a few months God-willing once things calm down.

I am currently doing a wonderful e-course called Practicing the Presence of God which examines the lives of three Christian mystics to learn from them. The course just involves receiving some emails and reflecting on them and then putting the teachings into practice in daily life. The three mystics are Brother Lawrence, St Thérèse of Liseux and Jean Pierre de Caussade. The course is mentored by Father Thomas Keating, a Trappist monk in his 90s and a wonderful spiritual teacher. He emphasises the importance of converting ordinary life into sadhana. To remember that God is with us in our most mundane and boring moments- writing an email, washing the dishes, texting a friend, talking on the telephone. He reminds us that we need not wait for some miraculous experience to feel God's presence. Life itself is a miracle. We are just so used to experiencing this miracle that we don't realise it is one. 

I find Brother Lawrence's technique suits me the best. He used to have a chat with God. I am rather introverted and quiet in a crowd (though can be chatty on one-to-one basis) and naturally find this appeals to me. The senior Swamiji in the Sivananda Ashram in Rishikesh also told me that talking to God can also be considered a meditation. It was he who first told me about the interesting story of Brother Lawrence.

 Despite the slow down in my purascharana, I find some consolation in the fact that I do continue my conversation with the Divine. It sometimes annoys me that it feels like a monologue- I occasionally feel irate that God doesn't talk back to me. At other times I don't worry because I know that God is continuously talking to me through others, through life events, and that even my own thoughts and words ultimately have their source in Him. 

Sometimes, I do wish He would just appear in a straightforward way in a human form though (with flute and all) so I could speak with Him like Arjuna and others did. This universal form is wonderful, but I also wish I could see Vishnu in His four armed form and also as Krishna. I would also love to have darshan of Durga. It seems like an outrageous impossible wish to dare to aspire for a Darshan of God but great sages assure us that this is possible.

See this inspiring article by Gurudev Sivananda assuring us that Darshan is quite attainable:

http://sivanandaonline.org/public_html/?cmd=displaysection&section_id=1083

Am off to do a bit of japa and study now. Have study leave today- am thoroughly fed up of exam revision. Can't wait to be done with the exam and return to a calmer life of japa and sanity.

Hari Aum Tat Sat

On a random note: this Sufi music on Rumi's poetry by Gurumaa is just so beautiful (actually the whole album called Zikr, meaning God remembrance, is wonderful)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4I60ZHdx5Og

The Way of A Pilgrim

I recently bought the book "A Way of a Pilgrim" ( and it's sequel "A Pilgrim continues his Way"). What a wonderful book it is. It is an autobiography of an anonymous 33 year old Russian man who learns the art of  continuous remembrance of God.

He does this by continuously repeating in his heart, the Jesus prayer "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me". He learns how to do this from his spiritual master ("Starets") of the Greek/Eastern Orthodox church. He is asked to use a rosary initially, and advised later to repeat the prayer with every breath. With time, he discovers that the prayer repeats itself effortlessly in his heart, and he experiences the bliss of the Presence of God.

He gains inspiration in his prayer and meditation from The Philokalia, a sublime book of spiritual teachings given by Saints of the Eastern Orthodox church. These spiritual masters lived ascetic lives on Mount Athos in ancient Greece, and the teachings were compiled into a book in the 8th century. He learns the secret of "interior prayer" or direct experience of Christ/God through the guidence of his Teacher and the book.

The book is inspiring because it shows how an ordinary man transforms himself from a simple seeker into a man who experiences spiritual truth for himself. He says practice of prayer is most important- reading is good if it inspires practice.

I am still halfway through reading this book and am so glad to have discovered it. It is an inspiration for anyone wishing to learn the art of ceaseless remembrance of God.

Salutations to the great Spiritual Masters of the Eastern Orthodox Church.

I am struck by how similar their teachings are to those of all other mystical traditions. It goes to show that Truth is One. And that it cannot be bound down or constrained by any number of "isms" or "religions" or dogmas. Not by Hinduism, Buddhism, Sufism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam or Zoroastrianism. All the "isms" contain Truth in them, and the heart of the Teachings is clearly the same.

Prostrations to all the great Spiritual Teachers of all traditions who have always taught humanity the same thing- to love each other and love God. It is humans who have confused themselves with dogmas and ended up fighting in the name of religion. It is good to see that increasingly the 'different' religions are beginning to respect each other.

Hope we can all discover the secrets of "interior prayer" as the Pilgrim did. 

Hari Om Tat Sat

Purascharana 2

Hari Om.

After two months of a lighter spiritual practice, I have decided to start my second purascharana. Gurudev Swami Sivananda says that one purascharana is often not enough to cleanse the mind of impurities and grant darshan of God- many are needed.

With this in mind, I am starting my second one. I am also going to do it more intensely than the last one as my work schedule is more conducive than previously (no night shifts and fewer weekend shifts). I am hoping to complete it in one year, rather than the two years that the last one took. Will do one hour japa a day on working days, and 3-4 hours japa on weekends.

I started this on January 3, 2014 which was a sarvartha siddhi yoga day- an auspicious day in terms of vedic astrology. The original japa plan was 30 min on working days, and 6 hours a day on weekends- but I have found that the current plan is more practical and sustainable.

So far so good. I have kept up with the japa. Hope I can continue to do so despite the fact that the next five months involve taking the biggest examination of my life- my final post-graduate medical examination. And wedding planning- am getting married in July! Am discussing details of these activities with Krishna, my wedding planner and mentor, so trying to make these mundane tasks into spiritual activities -all discussions are mental of course (mostly anyway), to avoid appearing mental.

It is well worth doing purascharana for anyone else considering one. It does create an increasing awareness of the presence of God. It creates an appetite for more repetition of the Divine Name. Although a spiritual toddler, even I have found this to be true.

Om Sri Gurave Namaha

Hari Aum Tat Sat