I was mulling over the subject of spiritual experiences today. What have I actually attained after two years of consistent daily japa, and about nine years of being sporadically on the path? That doesn't sound like very much actually when compared to the likes of people like my Guru Swami Sivananda who meditated up to 14 hours a day for 12 years!
Still the mind wants returns. I was feeling a bit grumpy and depressed, thinking it is all futile and I am going nowhere. My mind is sometimes well-behaved, sometimes all over the place. Concentration is not easy. It's an uphill battle.
I read books of yogis having divine visions, seeing deities, chatting and laughing with them, getting Darshan of their Ishta. And wonder, how much more do I need to do?
That is clearly not the right approach.
The sensible side of my mind reads what Sivananda says as a cure for depression/irritability/frustration on the spiritual path: "Say Thy will be done. Let go." That makes a lot of sense.
God knows what is best for us. I ought to be grateful that He has given me a desire for liberation and the determination to do a little sadhana. Sometimes I am able to sincerely say "Thy will be done, I want nothing" as Guruji advises. At other times, my bartering mind asks God "when can I have liberation?". Then in despair, knowing that the bartering attitude is not good, I can only say "please help me to develop a vestige of real devotion".
What would divine visions grant me after all? May be God knows that it would only fatten my ego, even subtly. Why want more illusions in this already strange illusory not-what-it-seems world? It would only mess me up further. May be that is why He has not given me any fancy spiritual experiences.
I ought to be grateful that God has given me blessings such as increasing remembrance of Him and repetition of my Guru mantra, a thirst for spiritual life and spiritual practice. Constant remembrance of God leads to Him - and Krishna reminds us in the Gita- one who sees Him everywhere is never separated from Him.
The only weird out-of-the-ordinary experiences I've had have not been glamorous at all- in fact, they have been highly unpleasant. But they have seriously whetted my appetite for repetition of the the mantra/doing japa, and so I am grateful to God for them.
In the past ten years, I have had 4-5 odd experiences of altered consciousness. I look like I'm having a seizure, but I'm not- because I'm conscious during it and that is not normally the case with people who have seizures. Out of the five episodes, three were triggered by pain/emotion, so the neurologist concluded this is not epilepsy, but rather, a variation of a normal faint.
During the seizure, I experience a very unpleasant state of consciousness. Prior to the onset, I feel a burning sensation in my solar plexus, and my body sweats, and then the world disappears in the twinkling of an eye. Very suddenly. In place of the world, there is a terrific blackness and the sensation of speed- tremendous speed- difficult to describe. It feels like I myself am this blackness. There is a sense of struggle, of not accepting what is happening, of wanting to come back- this produces fear, not least because it feels like I am dying. In fact, my personality does die, albeit temporarily, because in this state, there truly is no me as I know myself in the waking world. There are no thoughts, no idea of who I am, of my name, my relations or this world at all. Just the frightening blackness. I've never seen blackness like that in the waking world.
Out of curiosity, I did some reading recently as to what this unpleasant state of consciousness could be. The closest description I have read comes from Swami Muktananda where he describes yogis turning back in fear when their meditation leads them to a terrifying blackness that feels like they are dying. He calls this the "black light". He states this is the experience of the causal body, and the yogi who remains fearless, goes beyond this to the supra-causal state, the beautiful "blue pearl". I feel the causal body could be what I experienced.
In the midst of that darkness and fear, somehow the Name of God always appears. There are no other thoughts in that terrifying blackness. The words "Narayana", "Keshava" have arisen in the past. And afterwards (it lasts about 2 minutes, but feels like an eternity to me at the time), I come back to my normal consciousness, in a completely terrified state (sometimes undignifiedly shouting the Name of God). I feel tremendous relief at being back, at returning to the waking familiar state, and marvel how quickly this world of names and forms can disappear and reappear. I also realise the uncertainty of life (how quickly it is lost) and the value of the Name of God.
People who have witnessed my undergoing this experience describe what we doctors would call a generalised seizure. My body goes completely stiff initially, eyes rolling, breathing almost stops, pulse drops very low- then arms and legs jerk and finally I come back again. They say it lasts about 2-3 minutes but in that state, it feels much longer.
On one occasion it happened after japa (in 2006), on another it happened in the middle of the night for no reason. On two occasions it happened when I felt pain, and on one occasion when I was observing a patient in pain. So pain has been a trigger at times, but not always.
So the only unusual experiences I have had, have not been at all glamorous. No beautiful Gods and Goddesses here. Only blackness, and then the Name of God. Each time it has happened it has powerfully shown me that when nothing else can help, the Name alone can. That God alone is really there for me.
This hasn't fattened my ego (as far as I know anyway), it has just scared the hell out of me. And taught me an invaluable lesson i.e. While alive, repeat the Name of God, repeat the mantra- hang on to it for dear life.
These experiences are the basis for my desire for japa. I would not be doing purascharanas were it not for these unglamorous events so I am grateful to them. I have seen how the Name protects me. And I want to make sure I form a habit of repeating it so naturally, so regularly, while living in this body, so that when I meet the final darkness, when this personality of mine really dies, the Name naturally arises in my mind and I go to the One who is the Name. Ideally I'd like to realise Him while in the body rather that waiting till the last minute (i.e. death) of course but that depends on Him.
Hari Om Tat Sat
Still the mind wants returns. I was feeling a bit grumpy and depressed, thinking it is all futile and I am going nowhere. My mind is sometimes well-behaved, sometimes all over the place. Concentration is not easy. It's an uphill battle.
I read books of yogis having divine visions, seeing deities, chatting and laughing with them, getting Darshan of their Ishta. And wonder, how much more do I need to do?
That is clearly not the right approach.
The sensible side of my mind reads what Sivananda says as a cure for depression/irritability/frustration on the spiritual path: "Say Thy will be done. Let go." That makes a lot of sense.
God knows what is best for us. I ought to be grateful that He has given me a desire for liberation and the determination to do a little sadhana. Sometimes I am able to sincerely say "Thy will be done, I want nothing" as Guruji advises. At other times, my bartering mind asks God "when can I have liberation?". Then in despair, knowing that the bartering attitude is not good, I can only say "please help me to develop a vestige of real devotion".
What would divine visions grant me after all? May be God knows that it would only fatten my ego, even subtly. Why want more illusions in this already strange illusory not-what-it-seems world? It would only mess me up further. May be that is why He has not given me any fancy spiritual experiences.
I ought to be grateful that God has given me blessings such as increasing remembrance of Him and repetition of my Guru mantra, a thirst for spiritual life and spiritual practice. Constant remembrance of God leads to Him - and Krishna reminds us in the Gita- one who sees Him everywhere is never separated from Him.
The only weird out-of-the-ordinary experiences I've had have not been glamorous at all- in fact, they have been highly unpleasant. But they have seriously whetted my appetite for repetition of the the mantra/doing japa, and so I am grateful to God for them.
In the past ten years, I have had 4-5 odd experiences of altered consciousness. I look like I'm having a seizure, but I'm not- because I'm conscious during it and that is not normally the case with people who have seizures. Out of the five episodes, three were triggered by pain/emotion, so the neurologist concluded this is not epilepsy, but rather, a variation of a normal faint.
During the seizure, I experience a very unpleasant state of consciousness. Prior to the onset, I feel a burning sensation in my solar plexus, and my body sweats, and then the world disappears in the twinkling of an eye. Very suddenly. In place of the world, there is a terrific blackness and the sensation of speed- tremendous speed- difficult to describe. It feels like I myself am this blackness. There is a sense of struggle, of not accepting what is happening, of wanting to come back- this produces fear, not least because it feels like I am dying. In fact, my personality does die, albeit temporarily, because in this state, there truly is no me as I know myself in the waking world. There are no thoughts, no idea of who I am, of my name, my relations or this world at all. Just the frightening blackness. I've never seen blackness like that in the waking world.
Out of curiosity, I did some reading recently as to what this unpleasant state of consciousness could be. The closest description I have read comes from Swami Muktananda where he describes yogis turning back in fear when their meditation leads them to a terrifying blackness that feels like they are dying. He calls this the "black light". He states this is the experience of the causal body, and the yogi who remains fearless, goes beyond this to the supra-causal state, the beautiful "blue pearl". I feel the causal body could be what I experienced.
In the midst of that darkness and fear, somehow the Name of God always appears. There are no other thoughts in that terrifying blackness. The words "Narayana", "Keshava" have arisen in the past. And afterwards (it lasts about 2 minutes, but feels like an eternity to me at the time), I come back to my normal consciousness, in a completely terrified state (sometimes undignifiedly shouting the Name of God). I feel tremendous relief at being back, at returning to the waking familiar state, and marvel how quickly this world of names and forms can disappear and reappear. I also realise the uncertainty of life (how quickly it is lost) and the value of the Name of God.
People who have witnessed my undergoing this experience describe what we doctors would call a generalised seizure. My body goes completely stiff initially, eyes rolling, breathing almost stops, pulse drops very low- then arms and legs jerk and finally I come back again. They say it lasts about 2-3 minutes but in that state, it feels much longer.
On one occasion it happened after japa (in 2006), on another it happened in the middle of the night for no reason. On two occasions it happened when I felt pain, and on one occasion when I was observing a patient in pain. So pain has been a trigger at times, but not always.
So the only unusual experiences I have had, have not been at all glamorous. No beautiful Gods and Goddesses here. Only blackness, and then the Name of God. Each time it has happened it has powerfully shown me that when nothing else can help, the Name alone can. That God alone is really there for me.
This hasn't fattened my ego (as far as I know anyway), it has just scared the hell out of me. And taught me an invaluable lesson i.e. While alive, repeat the Name of God, repeat the mantra- hang on to it for dear life.
These experiences are the basis for my desire for japa. I would not be doing purascharanas were it not for these unglamorous events so I am grateful to them. I have seen how the Name protects me. And I want to make sure I form a habit of repeating it so naturally, so regularly, while living in this body, so that when I meet the final darkness, when this personality of mine really dies, the Name naturally arises in my mind and I go to the One who is the Name. Ideally I'd like to realise Him while in the body rather that waiting till the last minute (i.e. death) of course but that depends on Him.
Hari Om Tat Sat
Namaste. This is a bit of a dark post for me albeit the truth. Thank you for sharing your experiences as it brings about understanding on the path towards Liberation and the obstacles a sadhaki/a faces.
ReplyDeleteThis has also made me face reality. As a long time chanter(if there’s that word) who had an interim hiatus due to life situations, it makes me want to come back to track on chanting. Like the great ones say, A spark from a fellow spiritual companion is enough to bring the interested on track. A spark it is!!
Thanks again for writing
- P