The not-so-sweet spiritual silver jubilee

 Hari Aum.

I was reflecting that it is nearly twenty-five years since I first developed an interest in worshipping Lord Krishna. During this period, I have experimented with various spiritual practices, ranging from meditation, to mantra japa, to kirtan, to yoga asanas to pranayamas, homams, pujas and more.

But there no sign of Him yet. This makes the mind pensive. He has given me all sorts of things I never asked for. All sorts of people have come and gone in my life. But no sign of Him yet. And I wonder, what is the use of all these people, if You have not yet come as You? (Yes, it is true that all the souls whom I have met are all manifestations of God-- and are just wonderful and fantastic of course, whether they came into my life invited or uninvited!- but where are You?!)

I ask God pensively, "What have I not endured for Your sake, honestly?! What have I not gone through? What further troubles are You plotting? Is what You have supplied already not enough!".

Another dark night of the soul....surely not. I have to admit, I am tired. Fed up of this spiritual path that is so long and dreary.

On some level, I feel I should celebrate. To keep up spiritual life, with all its ups and downs, for approximately two and a half decades in the midst of all sorts of worldly challenges has not been easy (I have been consistent with daily mantra japa in particular for nearly thirteen years). I am grateful to God and Guru for allowing this to happen. But I am getting a bit irritable at present. 

How long does one have to wait for a darshan of God?!

He has provided a whole bunch of people I never asked for, including soul mates, karmics, toxics, twin souls and other randoms-- I am very respectful of them all generally, but honestly, there comes a time when one's patience begins to run out! What is the use of all of them if there is no Vishnu/Krishna in sight?!

I can honestly say today, that I am thoroughly fed up of spiritual life. Tired of striving, tired of battling, tired of this Maya jugglery. 

I am reminded of the original Vishnupriya (the Goddess Tulasi) who found it in herself to pronounce a curse on Lord Vishnu Himself. There are times when I wish I could do the same-- heartless God with no compassion, endlessly making His devotees run like hamsters in this dreaded wheel of samsara.

Day after day, night after night...the same old drama....the same sadhana....but no sight of God. No darshan, no prospect of one at all. It is unbelievable.

I know the Gurus tell us to be patient. But for how long is a soul to be patient! Ramakrishna famously advised his students to tell God "I have said Your name, so how can I be a sinner? How can I be in bondage anymore?"

I feel like saying the same to God. "I am really very tired and I require a darshan of You. It is very simple really. Just show up. Like You did for Sivananda and others. And don't tell me I have not done enough to please You-- I simply refuse to believe it!" I could be wrong, but I totally feel that God should now give me His darshan!

I am happy to continue all the purascharanas that I have committed to even after the darshan-- I really am. I just need to have a darshan around now, not in another lifetime or when I am very, very aged (assuming I even live that long). (If you have had His darshan, can you please pass on my message-- I would really appreciate it!)

So, as this 'silver jubilee' of spiritual life approaches (around next month), I must say that I am not pleased with Vishnu. Not at all pleased. No amount of "Om Namo Narayanaya" has led to His darshan. All sorts of other, wanted and unwanted, 'darshans' have taken place-- but of Him, no!

And the tragedy in all of this, is that He leaves His devotees with no choice at all. There is no option but to carry on. What can be gained by stopping on this spiritual journey? The answer is clearly nothing at all. 

There is no lasting permanent peace or happiness in this world filled with Maya. And the Lord of this Maya has placed us all in this quicksand of samsara and cheerfully walked off (He may be everywhere, but, as we are not aware of this most of the time, this is what He has effectively done!).

An acquaintance was telling me today of the tragic death of her middle-aged son last year. He had developed a health issue that did not at all fit with the typical picture of the illness. Life is full of such unfortunate events. There is no certainty at all here.

As Sivananda says, life here is essentially a mixture of one part of happiness and sixteen parts of problems. That is the ratio. When this is the case, we need to ask ourselves what we are really doing with our time. What is the use of running around day and night in this material world? It really makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Anyway, I am determined to celebrate my silver jubilee of being a Krishna devotee-- even if there is no sign of Krishna whatsoever! I plan to gift myself an excellent box of chocolates and other sweet treats (it helps that Diwali is not far off!). I will enjoy eating these sweets in the midst of chanting "Om Namo Narayanaya!" (and will not take kindly to any questions being asked by my Higher Self/ God/ Guru about my devotion or self-control!). I will take this as a sort of prasad!

I really hope all of you are having a better time with your sadhana than I am. If there are other souls who have also been walking this spiritual path for a long time and are also exhausted, I can only say that I greatly sympathise with you. We just have to keep going. Have some chocolate (or similar) and carry on-- it is not as if there are any other options available anyway!

On that note, I am going to do a little japa and go off to sleep! 

Om Namo Narayanaya. Om Namo Narayanaya. Om Namo Narayanaya!

Hari Aum Tat Sat.