The five love languages and God

 Hari Aum.

The yogis say that there are four main paths to connect with God. These are the path of devotion (practicing mantra, kirtan etc), the path of wisdom (reading scriptures and contemplating their meaning), the path of service (serving living beings as worship of God) and the path of meditative practices (asana, pranayama, etc). 

In Sanskrit, these four paths are respectively known as bhakti yoga, jnana yoga, karma yoga and raja yoga. Sivananda used to advise his students to practice all four paths as he said that this would ensure all-round spiritual development of the head, heart and hand. However, one of these paths may come more naturally to us than others. 

Some time ago, I came across a somewhat similar concept described in a different way-- as the five love languages. You may have come across this concept--- it was originally described in a book written by an American counsellor and pastor known as Gary Chapman. He worked for several years as a counsellor dealing with a variety of people, including a number who were facing issues with their relationships. Over time he says he realised the problem with human relationships was often not a lack of love, but a lack of expressing the love in a way understood by the other. 

Based on his observation of his clients, he came up with the concept of 'love languages' and said each person has a primary one. Without receiving love expressed in their primary love languages, he said, people will not feel fully satisfied that they are loved. All five love languages may be appreciated by us but he says that one in particular will usually stand out as very special. 

Furthermore, Mr Chapman says it is no use expressing our love for others in our own love language-- he emphasises that we need to learn the other person's love language and express our love in a way that they understand. 

In fact, he said he found remarkable that spouses in particular rarely had the same love languages, and hence the significant potential for misunderstandings and conflict between them (there is no gender bias when it comes to love languages by the way; both men and women can have any of these five).

What does this mean? Well imagine two citizens of different countries who do not speak the same language falling in love with each other-- say a person from Nigeria and someone from China. There is no use in them telling each other that they love each other in their own language, because the other will simply not understand! They need to figure out how to say it in the other person's language for the understanding to develop. 

Why is this relevant to God? Well, Mr Chapman says that our primary love language applies to God too. We feel loved by God when He speaks to us in our own primary love language. And we do not need to learn His love language as He is fluent in all love languages-- so it is quite enough if we communicate with Him using our own primary love language! In some ways, this can help make our relationship with God much easier than with other people! 

What are the five love languages that Mr Chapman talks about? They are widely written about all over the internet but let me summarise them briefly here. There is some overlap between the five but they are still distinct. (I highly recommend reading his books by the way, I cannot do full justice to their content here).  

The five love languages are (in the order described in Mr Chapman's book):

1. Words of affirmation:

This means words expressing love, admiration, respect, care, appreciation, encouragement and so on.

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation need to receive these from those who love them in order to feel loved. 

Spiritual people whose primary love language is words of affirmation feel particularly happy when they receive words or speech expressing God's love for them. They feel inspired by books, by the spoken word (e.g. an inspiring talk given by a spiritual person), by spiritual writings (the scriptures)-- things that speak of the love of God for human beings. These words speak powerfully to them, touch their innermost being in a way that nothing else can.

Equally, they spiritually thrive when they are able to freely express their love for God through words, through speech and through writing. They love to express their love, admiration and respect for God through words, such as mantras, prayers, songs, writing about God and so on. This is how they most naturally give and receive the love of God. 

Most of the poet-saints around the world, ranging from Mirabai to Rabia, could come into this category, as can the famous 'trinity' of Carnatic music (the classical music of South India). They all composed beautiful poetry and music in praise of God and which provide great spiritual inspiration and insights to others.

2. Quality time:

This means spending time together, doing an interesting activity together or learning/discussing something. 

People whose primary love language is quality time need to feel that other people take time out of their often busy schedules to spend time with them, to do things together, to discuss various subjects.

Spiritual people who have quality time as their primary love language find it natural to spend significant amounts of time contemplating God, thinking about His glories, e.g. silent contemplative meditation, attending a spiritual retreat (taking time out to immerse oneself in spiritual practices, in reflection upon God). 

3. Receiving gifts:

People whose primary love language is receiving gifts feel particularly loved when people give some something as an expression of their love. It need not be very expensive but it needs to be given with love and with consideration of what the recipient likes. There is no use in us giving people things that they do not like, that would not be loving at all. A thoughtful, valuable gift would generally be something that is suited to the taste and personality of the recipient based on our knowledge of them).

Spiritual practitioners whose primary love language is receiving gifts feel the love of God is a gift, they feel loved by God when they receive things from Him--- both material and spiritual.

Equally they like to express their love for Him by giving generously to others. They make donations to spiritual institutions, to places of worship, for projects involving the welfare of other living beings (e.g. the construction of hospitals, schools etc). They like to give without ostentation, without wanting anything in return. They give simply because they enjoy giving and it makes them feel close to their beloved who is God.

4. Acts of service:

Individuals whose primary love language is acts of service feel most loved by people who do something for them. This may range from the most mundane unromantic things (like filling up the dishwasher, cleaning the house, taking out the garbage) to more special things (such as going out of their way to do a special favour or act of kindness). Such acts of kindness are remembered for years by such people. 

Spiritual people whose primary love language is acts of service feel most connected to God when they serve Him in other living beings. Such people are the busiest of karma yogis; they are actively involved in practical actions demonstrating their love for Him. They build schools and hospitals providing free services to those who cannot afford them, they construct places of worship such as temples, churches, mosques and synagogues. They toil and labour and show their love through their physical actions.

Some good examples of this type of lover of God would include Swami Vivekananda, Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Theresa. All of them spent their entire lives in the service of humankind as a form of worship of God.

5. Physical touch:

People whose primary love language is physical touch feel particularly loved by physical contact with others. This need not necessarily be sexual, it can be emotional, e.g. a hug, holding hands and so on. 

Spiritual practitioners whose primary love language is physical touch often experience physical sensations that are connected to their love of God (e.g. a 'holy thrill'). They may be very much drawn to the practice of the presence of God. They regularly practice this and actually descibe feeling the touch of God, both in body and soul. The touch of God, they say, fills them with feelings of joy that cannot be described. 

One famous example is Brother Lawrence, a Catholic monk who lived in France in the 16th century. He practiced the presence of God intensely and gained great spiritual insights; his letters have since been compiled into a beautiful book known as The Practice of the Presence of God (I read this years ago after hearing about it from a senior monk at the Sivananda Ashram in Rishikesh and would highly recommend it as a wonderful source of inspiration).

So there we have it--the five love languages. Gary Chapman says we can practice all of them with God and each other, but when we look closely at ourselves and others, we are very likely to notice that one language comes most naturally to us. 

What is the overall message of his books? He says that if we want to have good relationships with other people (family, friends etc), we need to develop an understanding of our own and their primary love languages. We then need to learn to express our love to others in their language. 

Furthermore, we need to clearly communicate to our loved ones what we need from them to feel their love for us. It is also not adequate to know about the love languages, he says; one needs to translate the knowledge into action, we need to actually do something with this knowledge to see positive results in our relationships with poeple.

This important point also applies to both our and others' relationships with God. We need to do more of our own primary love language as this will strengthen us spiritually. Furthermore, we need to recognise that others have their own love language for God which may be different from ours (and which is not superior or inferior) and respect this.

In his book on the love languages of God, Mr Chapman suggests that we ask ourselves what we can do to express our love for God and reflect upon what we have experienced suggesting His love for us. This he says will help us signficantly on our spiritual path. 

I think this is an excellent idea and have found it very helpful myself. It has given me some valuable insights into my own spiritual practice. It has also provided a fresh injection of enthusiasm into my spiritual life (this is often needed from time to time for most spiritual seekers who are cultivating a long-term relationship with God!). 

It would be useful to reflect on this subject and come up with our own unique love language to connect with God which contains a blend of the five, with an emphasis on the one or two that may come most naturally to us.

Om Namo Narayanaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.