A prescription for spontaneity and self-kindness

 Hari Aum.

I'd like to write a bit about spontaneity and self-love/kindness here. It actually feels pretty strange for me to write about these topics because, over time, I've cultivated the exact opposite qualities-- being disciplined and self-critical. These qualities are common in society particularly amongst professionals and spiritual practitioners. 

Being disciplined and organised allows one to get things done in an efficient manner. Being self-critical enables us to meet the standards we set for ourselves and that are expected in our professions. In contrast, being 'spontaneous' is something that can feels a bit weird. And being self-loving to many people can feel positively bizarre!

The funny thing is that I often tell my patients to be kind to themselves (especially those with mental health issues). But like many doctors, I do not find it easy to practice this myself. The whole of the medical profession, and modern life for that matter, defines success as something that includes being efficient, organised and good at planning. 

And somehow, spontaneity seems to be a quality associated with artistic people-- musicians, dancers, actors and the like. The practice of the sciences seems to encourage a mindset where the intellect rules over the heart-- where efficiency and time management are the key (of course artistic people probably have these qualities in plenty too. There is just a perception amongst many, rightly or wrongly, that they are better at being spontaneous than scientific people).

Recently I had a chat with a senior Swami from the Sivananda tradition about my spiritual life (she is based in Europe). I told her about the issues I face-- the difficulty with God-remembrance, the issues with being not being disciplined enough, the mind wandering hither and thither, the lack of adequate devotional feeling etc. 

After listening to me for a while, she told me that there are two aspects of spiritual life which need to be in balance for it to be healthy. One side certainly is discipline, being self-critical/analytical and planning. But the other side is being spontaneous, joyful, and practicing self-love/self-kindness. 

My main issue currently, she said, is that I am 'too much in the head' and not enough 'in the heart'. Too intellectual, not enough heart-based, specifically not loving/kind enough to myself. 

"Too much self-discipline, planning and self-criticism is the issue", she said. "Be more spontaneous, more joyful, just allow yourself to exist with all your flaws and as you are. This is an important aspect of spiritual balance", she said. "This is what is needed to progress spiritually".

I stared at her blankly. "You want me to completely change my approach?" I asked. 

"That's a big ask. I've been doing things this way for a long time. I don't know how" I said.

She told me there's nothing to be done. "Just be", she said. "Send yourself some love", she said. 

"Which 'self' do you mean?", I asked. "My Higher Self/God (who exists in me and everyone) or my lower self (the dreaded ego, the enemy of spiritual life). Because I believe the Higher Self/God in me should receive my love, but not my lower self (the monkey mind)."

 She looked at me steadily and said-- "just yourself. The self that feels happy. The Higher Self and lower self are both a part of God. Stop the excessive self-discipline, stop torturing yourself with the constant self-policing. Just stop!". 

"Let yourself experience some joy in life, some sweetness, some fun. Consider some music and dancing". 

"I have taken up music and dancing", I told her. "I attend a devotional music class once a week. I also recently took up salsa dancing which I have not done in years. These do in fact make me feel happy and allow me to be less self-critical. When I sing and dance, I am in the moment, I enjoy myself (with relatively low self-criticism)."

"That", she said, "is what you should do more of".

I told her that I had recently told myself to do kirtan every day as a discipline. "Otherwise it won't get done and my day will be wasted", I said. "My life will be a spiritual waste. I will not be able attain the spiritual goal", I said feeling anxious. 

"What you are doing now is blocking your progress", she said. "This is not the way. Your path is too imbalanced". "There is too much discipline and self-analysis, not enough spontaneity and self-love/kindness." 

"You're so Christian, so much emphasis on 'good' and 'bad!", she exclaimed at one stage (She comes from a country where Catholicism is traditionally practiced).

"Let yourself just exist", she said. "As you are." 

"I eat too much ice-cream sometimes" I said. "I am not disciplined enough"

"So what?" she said. 

I looked at her in shock. "So what!" I said (in my head). 

"But, but...Sivananda sounds so strict in his books. He tells his disciples to be self-disciplined", I protested. 

"That is only in some places" she said. In other places, he tells his students to be joyful and spontaneous!"

"Ok" I said cautiously, "I will try and be spontaneous". 

"Not try!" she said.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked. 

"Say 'I will do it!'", she said firmly. 

"Ok, I will do it" I said nervously, feeling very out-of-my-depth. "Thank you for the advice!".

"One final thing, can I continue my daily mantra japa? I asked "I did pledge to do a certain amount over some years as a discipline."  

"Yes, you can do your japa" she smiled. 

"Laugh a little more every day" she added laughing.

As I look back in time at my spiritual life, and my life in general, it is true that self-discipline and self-analysis/self-criticism have played an important part (these are probably reflected in my blog entries too!). These qualities have served me well in many ways. I would not have achieved many of the things that I have, both in material life and spiritual sadhana, without this approach. But I feel Swami ji is right-- I seem to have accidentally taken it too far.

So I am going to follow her advice. And "just do it", be more spontaneous, do some more random music and dancing (and resist the temptation to plan the spontaneity!). And just be a bit kinder to myself in general, as I tell my patients to be. 

I'm going to let my hair down and eat ice cream without feeling guilty. And maybe some chocolate too (without labelling it 'rajasic' for a change). And perhaps not force myself to do kirtan every day (as I said in the previous post; I told Swami ji about the divination experience)-- but shock-horror, just when I spontaneously feel like it.

Last April, when I was being particularly self-critical and felt like a terrible disciple, I had a dream of Sivananda (in the early hours of Easter Sunday in fact) in which he simply told me to continue spiritual practice (he was not judgemental or critical of me at all, just really kind like a mother. This dream made me feel much better about myself).

This new approach will not be easy as it is completely different from what I have become used to. But perhaps it is just the prescription I need to heal my spiritual life. We will see!

This post is for anyone else who has gone too far on the path of discipline and in the process, forgotten how to enjoy the more relaxed, spontaneous side of life. 

Om Namo Narayanaya. May He bless us all with a bit more fun and spontaneity in spiritual life!

Hari Aum Tat Sat.

P.S. I am pleased to say that I am eating some ice-cream with fruit as I write this and do not feel guilty at all as it is the 'medicine' advised by the Swami! :) 

P.P.S. 

July 18, 2022

I would like to add an important footnote. One has to be careful as to the people from whom one accepts spiritual advice. The Swami mentioned in this article is a lady of tremendous discipline and bhakti/karma/yoga practice (she has been doing this for around four decades). I have known her from the time I discovered Sivananda in Nov 2004 and she was the one who initiated me into my mantra in 2005 (as an instrument of Sivananda).

She has known me for nearly 18 years and is aware of most major events in my life and my spiritual practices (the highs and lows). I have contacted her whenever I feel I face a significant obstacle in spiritual life.

There are times when she has asked me to increase the spiritual discipline. This is the first time that she has told me to back off a bit. 

I listen to her because I feel she knows what she is talking about as she is an advanced spiritual practitioner. And because, I have seen that she has walked the walk, not just talked the talk.

There are other people in my life who, over the years, have told me to tone down my spiritual practice using the same language as her--'you are overdoing it'. However they are not spiritual practitioners. Hence their words are not based on spiritual understanding, as in the case of the Swami, but rather  are an expression of their feeling that the spiritual path itself may not be worth it. Hence I naturally cannot accept such advice.

Therefore, one needs to carefully decide who one trusts in spiritual life and only take advice from them. Once the trust is present, one should be willing to listen with an open mind and implement the advice given.

Some of the instructions the Swami gave me in our recent conversation were not easy for me to listen to (as it was different from what I am used to). And some of the language she used towards me was tough and not flattering, while at other times, she was kind and encouraging. 

I trust her enough to know that when she criticises me, she means well; she is a true well-wisher and her words are based on experience (and her own connection with our Guru Sivananda, not mainly from the lower self/ego). Therefore I am not offended-- I listen and take her words seriously. And when she is encouraging and gives me permission to relax spiritually (something I could not do for myself)-- again, I listen and take her words seriously.  

It takes a spiritual practitioner to know another. She has guided many students on the spiritual path and walked it herself. This is the key. One cannot give any spiritual advice without having walked the path oneself, every step of the way. Without making many mistakes, correcting oneself and refusing to give up. Only by experience can one know what others may be going through and give appropriate advice.

It was Guru purnima last week. Salutations to all true Gurus who guide spiritual students every single day (whether or not they are physically present on Earth today).

Om Sri Gurave Namah.

Om Namo Bhagavate Sivanandaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.