Spiritual fall and spiritual vigilance

 Hari Aum.

This post is about a topic which is not exactly a pleasant one but it is important. It lies at the very heart of spiritual life. It can make the difference between spirtual progress and a spiritual downfall. It is something that we all need to think about right from the very beginning of our spiritual lives until the spiritual goal is attained. That something, is the inner darkness which exists along with our inner light.

I've been planning to go and watch a movie as it's been a while and so, a few days ago, I decided to check out the website of the local cinema. As I skimmed past the various pages providing information on the films that are currently being shown, a picture advertising one of them suddenly caught my eye. It was a picture of a nun. 

I stopped to take a closer look wondering what it was about (aside from regular movies, I like watching movies about religious figures including those about the lives of inspiring nuns and monks). As I looked at the title, I was dismayed to see that it was not a religious movie but quite the opposite-- it belonged to that most revolting of film categories known as horror films. I had the misfortune of being told some horror stories as a child and was deeply disturbed by them. They seem to glorify the power of that which opposes God and I have therefore never watched these sorts of movies and have no plans to ever do so. 

As I looked at the picture of the nun who was standing with her eyes closed, I noticed her melancholy expression and tears of blood trickling down one of her cheeks. It was an awful sight. The title of the movie was even more dreadful-- I honestly do not even feel comfortable repeating it here, but it basically indicated that this woman was the target of very negative energies that are opposed to God.

After realising that this was no godly film, I rapidly clicked another page to move away from the picture as fast as possible. I wanted to forget that face, that expression that seemed so tortured. But the strange thing is that the memory of her face stayed with me. I found it extremely disturbing and frightening. I wondered why. I don't like ugly scary pictures but am not usually so upset by them.

Hours later I found that I was still very disturbed by the picture of the nun who was being tormented from within. It actually made me feel quite emotional, rather tearful. I sat down to think why I was reacting this way. And realised that perhaps this picture had struck a chord deep within me; it revealed an unpleasant truth of spiritual life. 

Movies with strange and ugly monsters can be scary but we know that they are not real. When the movie ends, the monsters end with it. They do not follow us afterwards. We are able to leave them behind. However, there are monsters in spiritual life too. The dark side of our nature. Recognising and dealing with this side of our nature is the very essence of spiritual progress, of moving godwards. Refusing to see this side and allowing it to grow and take-over, is the very essence of a spiritual fall.

In the past couple of weeks, the news channels have written about the painfully huge extent of abuse within the Catholic church. Since the 1950s, apparantly over 200,000 children in France alone were abused by people in positions of trust-- nuns and monks and their seniors. And this is just the tip of the iceberg of abuse that has taken place. A natural response of many people reading this would be to feel angry and upset that such crimes could be carried out for decades. 

The yoga traditions have not been free of abuse either. Almost every mainstream tradition of recent times has similar appalling events connected with it. And it pains me to say that some of the most senior disciples of my own Guru Sivananda have been tainted by similar abuse (this information is freely available in the public domain). After they left the ashram of Sivananda and became heads of their own spiritual organisations, they committed all sorts of abuse against their disciples, ranging from physical and psychological to sexual and financial. Everywhere that humans exist, abuse seems to exist alongside. Even in the spiritual realm, where we are supposed to work on transcending the inner darkness and embrace the inner light. This is the most painful paradox of all.

In medicine, doctors are taught to recognise the signs of abuse in adults and children and to seek urgent help on behalf of anyone suspected of being a victim. In my line of work, I see the effects of these various types of abuse, particularly physical, sexual and psychological. People's entire lives are often ruined when this occurs. The wounds to their minds and hearts are very deep and sometimes do not ever fully heal. 

In many cases, those who have committed these crimes have robbed these people of joy and peace in life, condemned them to find it difficult to trust other human beings, deprived them of forming meaningful relationships and compelled them to live with depression and anxiety. Mental health treatments (medication and talking therapies) can help to reduce the suffering to an extent, but it rarely fully erases the painful effects of the abuse. To varying extents, people learn to cope with this suffering and attempt to live as normal a life as they can.

So why is it that abuse is rife in society including in monastic circles? Why is this relevant to us as spiritual seekers? We are seekers of God, we are not abusers. Surely this does not concern us, that is what many of us would like to say. Abuse is an uncomfortable subject. As it is not beautiful or devotional, many of us would prefer to close our eyes and avoid thinking about this altogether. It is other people's concern we would like to say, nothing to do with us.

Well, actually it does concern  us. If not us, then who? As spiritual seekers, the abuse that occurs in spiritual circles is very much our business. In medicine we say that seeking help for those affected by abuse is everybody's business. Everyone has a duty to protect oneself and others from abuse. This is in fact a sacred duty. We must not watch silently if we notice that someone is being targeted. We need to tackle the issue by informing the relevant authorities and if required, the local police. 

And then there is the unpleasant subject of our own lower nature. Dealing with external abuse by other people is one thing. Dealing with our own dark side is another, even more challenging task.

We all know the six broad categories of the internal enemies in spiritual life according to the yogic tradition-- these are called the 'six enemies' or 'shad ripus' in Sanskrit. They are craving/lust, anger, greed, pride, jealousy and delusion. If we are perfectly honest with ourselves, we will find that one or more of these in particular attacks us every day. The more spiritual practice we do, the more our past samskaras (mental impressions) of these qualities from various lifetimes will bubble up from the deeper layers of the subconscious mind. We may then be afraid to look within as the sight is often terrible. 

There is nothing worse for a spiritual seeker than to see and experience the utter chaos of the lower mind. When it wakes up with a vengeance, when it rebels against the higher mind, when it rushes off into the external world and refuses to turn inwards to contemplate the God within. Dealing with the lower mind that becomes more rebellious the more we attempt to move Godwards is the most painful spiritual experience.

And perhaps this is what happens to many monks and nuns who becomes abusers. (I would like to state that I am not in any way defending their actions which are absolutely appalling. I believe they must face justice. However I am simply trying to understand the internal mental process that may have contributed to their committing such heinous crimes). 

Many of them may have genuinely desired God when they embarked upon spiritual life. When took their spiritual vows to serve God, and live according to the teachings of the saints of their tradition, many of them would have been earnest and sincere. Some of them may even have been greatly spiritually advanced before their fall.

Sivananda cautioned his disciples when they left his ashram. He warned his students in his writings to never give up spiritual vigilance. He told them that they must never break the spiritual rules. For monks, the age-old yogic tradition is to never mix freely with women or live in close proximity to them under any circumstances. The same applies to women who have taken monastic vows. 

This may sound very outdated and radical but, if we pause for a moment, we will be able to see that there actually was some sense in this. The fact is that the vow of celibacy is not easy to keep as a lifelong commitment. If one is really serious about this, at the very least, one will need to minimise the company of those who who may lead one in the opposite direction. Mixing freely with the opposite gender while attempting to be celibate is a risky approach. The universe itself challenges those who take vows of celibacy. Call it Maya, call it the lower mind, whatever one wants to call it, the challenge appears. And it is an immense challenge from within.

It is said that the negative forces themselves come to challenge those who seek God. And this is the most concerning part, the greatest challenge comes from within, not from outside. It comes from the lower mind. If there are monsters in books and movies, we can avoid these. If there are monster-like people in our social circles, even they can be removed from our lives. But what shall we do with our inner monsters? We cannot escape them so easily. We need to face them. And this is the most frightening part of all, facing our inner darkness.

We can close our eyes to avoid looking at any monsters in the outside world. But when we close our eyes in meditation, that is when our inner monsters may manifest themselves the most. The witnessing aspect of our mind, which develops as we walk the spiritual path, becomes painfully aware of the six enemies within. We watch the mind think about one object after another in the world, and replace the thoughts of God with these futile worldly thoughts. Despite knowing what we need to do, we do the opposite. Why?

Arjuna asks Krishna this very question in the Bhagavad Gita. In Chapter 3 (karma yoga), verses 36, he asks Krishna why it is that people are compelled to perform lowly unrighteous acts against their better judgment (against their own higher mind). In other words, knowing that the cup contains poison, why do we still grasp it and drink deeply?  

Krishna provides him a reply in the next verse (37). He says, it is due to intense desire, and anger (an emotion generated when desire is not met). These two, He says, are the real spiritual enemy. They are the greatest amongst the monsters within our minds. On these two, rest all the other inner monsters (desire/craving being number one).

In verse 39, He says, "O Arjuna, wisdom is enveloped by this constant enemy of the wise in the form of desire, which is insatiable like fire". He goes on to say we must slay (worldly) desire, which is the destroyer of wisdom and realisation. 

(Please see link: https://www.dlshq.org/download/bhagavad-gita/#_VPID_23 )

As we all know, this is much easier said than done. In fact, the moment we vow to give up desire for something or the other, it is guaranteed that the universe will challenge us by providing us that very thing. Our lower mind will at once wake up and say "What's this? I cannot let the higher mind have its way! I will put up a fight!". And the internal challenge is an extremely major one. Serious spiritual seekers, advanced yogis and others who had made substantial progress, have had a devastating spiritual fall due to relaxing their spiritual vigilance. Due to breaking the yogic rules or sometimes due to being placed in certain situations.

I had my first significant experience of this in my early 20s. One day, around sixteen years ago, while at home, I lit a lamp on my private altar and solemnly vowed before God that I would practice brahmacharya for life; I would never marry I promised and my life would be dedicated to the monastic tradition. I was serious about this plan and had not taken this decision lightly (it had taken me two years to separate emotionally from a fiancé whom I deeply cared about and I had also incurred the wrath of my family due to my spiritual plans-- the whole process had been very stressful). I was sure that I wanted God though, and so felt that it had all been worth it. I thought that this was the right way for me to reach Him. 

After this little private ceremony, I felt very contented. In relief I thought I am finally free to practice my spiritual life without trouble from any boyfriends (and, a senior Swami had said that, as soon as I finished my medical studies, I could join the Sivananda organisation as a trainee yogi on the path to potentially become a nun/Swamini). None of this happened of course. Literally a month after taking this vow, I found myself in a peculiar situation where the most un-nun-like thoughts appeared in my mind.  It was completely unprecedented. 

"What is going on?" I asked God angrily. "This is a terrible joke. I take a vow of brahmacharya committing to You and this is what You do!". But unfortunately, it was no joke, and a year later, things had reached a stage where a close friend looked sympathetically at me and said "It's a sort of infatuation, isn't it?". "I guess so" I said gloomily. "I don't know what to do with myself" I thought feeling horrified realising that my spiritual dream of being a monastic was slipping away. "It's bound to go away if I give it enough time". It did not though. I finally realised that I was not going to make it as a nun. "Better to try and be an honest householder than a false nun", I thought. And so, feeling like a spiritual failure, I gave up my plans for monastic life and resolved to pursue spiritual life as a householder. 

Years later, when I discovered the level of abuse in religious organisations, I felt thankful to God that I had not joined any of them. Better to practice spirituality in the quiet of my own home I felt. I also feel that household life has been surprisingly helpful for my spiritual life and probably suits me much better than being a nun would have (I continue to have great respect for the monastic tradition though and believe that this is absolutely the right path for some people. I realise that it is not higher or lower than householder life though; just an alternative path). It seems that perhaps it was the will of God after all that I should become a householder and practice spirituality this way.

However, the picture of the tormented nun still struck a chord with me because her inner strife represents a painful reality of spiritual life that every seeker experiences (whether monastic or householder). The yogis say, the spiritual path is as thin and sharp as the edge of a razor. A slight wobble and one can easily fall off. The nun in this picture represents a spiritual fall, a person who has gone over to the dark side, the ultimate tragedy for one who was seeking God. It is not merely a movie. In real life, we have seen that people who were genuinely seeking God, who loved God, have somehow fallen along the way. 

Those who have embraced monastic life only to become abusers are also souls like us, they too have the divine within. But somehow they have had a terrible fall. The unspeakable crimes that they have committed will cost them dearly in this and future lifetimes. The law of karma is inexorable, it operates without fear or favour, so say the yogis. Even those who escape human justice will pay the price for their actions in the court of the Divine. It is extremely sad and heartbreaking. It can happen to any one of us. We are not immune. We may not become abusers (God-willing we never will), but we can still be severely influenced by the lower mind which drags us downwards away from God.

I am a fan of the Star Wars movies as I feel they portray the battle between good and evil in the universe quite nicely. The central protagonist in the most recent movie from 2019, is a character called "Rey". She is a fighter on the side of the good. She is brave, fearless, attempting to vanquish evil forces and liberate those who suffer oppression. 

There is a scene where she has visions of something frightening. Something even more scary that the most scary of the negative energies she has encountered outside. That is her lower self. At one stage in the movie, when she is setting forth for the final battle with the negative forces, she sees a terrifying vision of herself. Within her mind, she feels afraid as she sees her own lower self manifesting as leader of the negative forces, drunk with power and desiring glory and conquest. She knows that she has so much power that the evil side wants her on their side. They promise her rich rewards if she agreed to switch sides and join them. 

Her own lower mind loves the idea of joining the dark side. It pictures her sitting proudly on the evil throne wielding so much power. And Rey fears that more than anything else she has ever encountered. Her inner darkness is the most terrifying thing in the universe. It is a terrible inner battle that she nearly loses. Fortunately for her, events occur in such a way that the forces of good in the universe arrive at a critical moment to protect her, to stop her from the inner fall. 

All this may sound dramatic, but it is not. It is very, very real. This inner battle is painfully real. We will have to face our inner monsters, our inner darkness one day. It is hidden at the beginning of spiritual life. The more we walk the spiritual path, the more we experience the inner light, and simultaneously, the more we notice the opposite, namely the inner darkness. The appearance of the inner light reveals the inner darkness in all its terrible form.

At this stage, terrified by what we see, we turn to God for help. Fortunately for us, He resides in our hearts. And His light is a light that transcends both our inner light and our inner darkness. And He can never be defeated. His names in Sanskrit include 'Aparajitah' (the undefeatable), Dhama (the Supreme light), Bhakta vatsalah (One who loves His devotees) and Parameshti (the Supreme One, the greatest of all, residing in the hearts of all). These names belong to the famous and beautiful prayer known as the 'Vishnu sahasranama', the one thousand names of Vishnu or Narayana. 

(Please see link: https://www.swami-krishnananda.org/vishnu/Sri_Vishnu.pdf )

We will need His help to create such a strong light within our being that all darkness simply fades away. The yogis say our inner darkness is merely an illusion; it has no permanent reality. But, while we exist in this world, subject to the spiritual laws of dharma and karma, we experience this as a part of our reality, alongside our inner light.

Constant vigilance is ultimately needed, constant contact with God and His name or mantra to protect the mind, to create this divine light within ourselves. We cannot rest for even a second, we cannot relax, for the moment we do so, we will see that the mind goes downwards, that is its very nature. It is an uphill task all the way. And that is why Krishna says "Abhyasa tu Kaunteya", i.e. "Keep practicing Arjuna", when the latter complains that it is all too difficult. "Keep practicing", He says, and most of all, "Come to Me, seek refuge in Me". 

The most famous line in the Gita which occurs at the very end of the book, and is quoted in all ashrams and yogic centres, is this:

"Sarva dharman parityajya, Mamekam sharanam vraja, 

Aham tvam sarva papebhyo, Mokshayishyami ma shuchah".

Meaning:

"Leaving aside all dharmas (actions), come to Me alone for refuge, 

I will free you from all sins and grant you liberation, do not grieve (lament)".

Previously in the Gita, He tells us to keep our minds fixed on Him with devotion and perform all the worldly tasks and duties that we need to as an offering to Him. And afterwards, with this concluding statement, He gives us a powerful assurance that if we do this, if we remain connected with Him, He will grant us protection (from our lower selves), wisdom and freedom from all sorrow. He will grant us knowledge of our true inner reality as being immortal, blissful and one with Him.

Om Sri Krishnam Vande Jagadgurum. 

Om Dhamaya Namah. Salutations to the Supreme Light that dispels all darkness.

Om Namo Narayanaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.