Hari Aum.
Today I feel like reflecting on my spiritual journey. I am approaching my 34th birthday in a few weeks and I feel like taking stock of where I am thus far and what I need to do.
I'm usually a relatively optimistic person. But today, I feel a tad pessimistic. I'm not thrilled about the body reaching it's 34th year. More than a third of my life is behind me. What have I achieved in spiritual life, I ask myself as I approach the coming birthday.
I feel like saying to God- You say in the form of my Guru, that life is short and time is fleeting. Make haste and attain the Goal. I could not agree more, I agree with You. I should make haste and achieve the Goal. My work as a doctor daily reminds me of the fragile nature of life. There is no knowing what will come tomorrow.
I ask God then- why don't You make me deserving. First deserve, then desire- this is what You say in the form of my Guru. Make me deserving. Make me so deserving that You will not be able to stop Yourself from granting me those spiritual goals that You Yourself have set out for me to achieve, that You want all humanity to achieve.
Neither bhakti, nor jnana, nor mukti appear to be in sight. Thirty four years have passed since I obtained this body, there is no knowing how much longer I will have it for doing sadhana. Many yogis had completed their journey by this age. I wish I had too. I know there is no point in wishful thinking, and the only thing one can do, is carry on. Carry on every day with the sadhana. But from time to time, I allow myself to express a few glum feelings.
There is also the prospect of possibly starting a family in the coming years. My medical relations enjoy reminding me that the biological clock is ticking and that if I want to have a child, I will need to think about this soon. I however have no strong desire to have a child. I am neutral on this issue. I like children a lot, I see many of them daily as patients. However I do not expect to find happiness simply in having a child. A child is another soul, with its own desires. Raising a child will undoubtedly be a mixture of joy and sorrow. I see this all around me. It will not provide that eternal joy that I am seeking though- I know this very well. And I ask myself, will this be an obstacle in doing sadhana? How will I have time for japa, for kirtan, for sadhana, if I am running around after a child? Yet there is the other side. Having a child can be a beautiful experience. It is a privilege to be an instrument of God in giving a soul a body, a life. It could be beautiful to do japa, kirtan with a child. There is no clear answer in black and white as to whether or not one should have a child.
I therefore feel the best thing is to leave the matter in God's hands. As a duty to family, and possibly to myself, I probably will try to have a child sometime in the next couple of years. But I leave it in the hands of God as to whether or not I actually have one. My prayer is that if God feels that having a child would be good for me spiritually, and also benefit the child, then let it be so. However if this would be a serious obstacle in my spiritual life, then let this not take place. I also pray that if God decides that I should have a child, then the child should be an ardent devotee of God. I would never force spirituality on a child, but I would be deeply sorry if I had a worldly child who only thought of mundane things. I would be happy to raise a child who is deeply spiritual and desires God.
So with around of a third of my life behind me, I face decisions about the next third (assuming I live that long). The next third needs to be filled with consistent regular sadhana. I am tired of merely looking at pictures of God, of having to visualise God, of only hearing about God, and discussing with others about God. I enjoy all this of course, but it feels like it is not enough. Like every other spiritual aspirant, I want to directly experience God for myself. I want to attain the pinnacle of spiritual life in this body itself. But as my Guru says, do the sadhana, and leave the results to God. So that is what I have to do and am doing.
I look at the lives of our Rishis as an example of married couples who raised one or more children and yet had deeply spiritual lives- who attained the peak of spiritual perfection. Where has this tradition gone? Today, when one thinks of living a truly spiritual life, one automatically thinks of external sannyas. It is as though the Rishis never existed as an example of combining householder responsibilities with perfect internal sannyas and God realisation. But they did exist and are an inspiration for us.
I love the colour gerua or orange/saffron. People say it symbolises various things related to spirituality, for instance agni- the fire that destroys ignorance, it is the colour of men and women of God, who have renounced the world for God, who are on a quest for God.
This colour today has become the property of people who have taken formal external sannyas. It is their uniform. Others are not permitted to wear this colour in most Ashrams. Those who wear this colour usually are placed on a pedestal in Ashrams, and non-orange wearing people bow down and touch their feet and are expected to show them great respect (whether or not the sannyasis are really worthy of it). The orange robe has become a status symbol in the spiritual world.
But true sannyas as my Guru says, is of the mind. It involves renouncing one's pride and ego, and becoming humbler than a blade of grass (many orange-clad sannyasis on the other hand are arrogant and haughty due to their external sannyas- there is no real mental sannyas at all). Renouncing one's relatives and job, can be easier for some of us that living with them and following my Guru's advice to "adapt, adjust, accommodate. Bear insult, bear injury".
I don't wear gerua in any Ashram because I respect their rules that only formal sannyasis can wear this. I am not keen to upset anyone in any organisation- whenever I go somewhere, I strictly obey their rules. But privately, I wear gerua in my own home when I do sadhana. I have dyed some clothes saffron and wear these when I sit for japa, kirtan or meditation. These are my sadhana clothes and I wear them only for this purpose. As I said, I love gerua. The colour is so pure, so holy, it reminds me of saints. I feel like a sannyasi when I wear these clothes. When I wear gerua, I feel like a seeker after God, like a member of that noble tribe including my Guru Sivananda, Chidananda, Malati Tapovan Mataji and countless other people who searched for and eventually found God.
Anyway. This brings my ramblings to an end for today. See link below for Sivananda's take on true sannyas- makes interesting reading.
http://sivanandaonline.org/public_html/?cmd=displaysection§ion_id=560
Om Sri Gurave Namah
Hari Aum Tat Sat
Today I feel like reflecting on my spiritual journey. I am approaching my 34th birthday in a few weeks and I feel like taking stock of where I am thus far and what I need to do.
I'm usually a relatively optimistic person. But today, I feel a tad pessimistic. I'm not thrilled about the body reaching it's 34th year. More than a third of my life is behind me. What have I achieved in spiritual life, I ask myself as I approach the coming birthday.
I feel like saying to God- You say in the form of my Guru, that life is short and time is fleeting. Make haste and attain the Goal. I could not agree more, I agree with You. I should make haste and achieve the Goal. My work as a doctor daily reminds me of the fragile nature of life. There is no knowing what will come tomorrow.
I ask God then- why don't You make me deserving. First deserve, then desire- this is what You say in the form of my Guru. Make me deserving. Make me so deserving that You will not be able to stop Yourself from granting me those spiritual goals that You Yourself have set out for me to achieve, that You want all humanity to achieve.
Neither bhakti, nor jnana, nor mukti appear to be in sight. Thirty four years have passed since I obtained this body, there is no knowing how much longer I will have it for doing sadhana. Many yogis had completed their journey by this age. I wish I had too. I know there is no point in wishful thinking, and the only thing one can do, is carry on. Carry on every day with the sadhana. But from time to time, I allow myself to express a few glum feelings.
There is also the prospect of possibly starting a family in the coming years. My medical relations enjoy reminding me that the biological clock is ticking and that if I want to have a child, I will need to think about this soon. I however have no strong desire to have a child. I am neutral on this issue. I like children a lot, I see many of them daily as patients. However I do not expect to find happiness simply in having a child. A child is another soul, with its own desires. Raising a child will undoubtedly be a mixture of joy and sorrow. I see this all around me. It will not provide that eternal joy that I am seeking though- I know this very well. And I ask myself, will this be an obstacle in doing sadhana? How will I have time for japa, for kirtan, for sadhana, if I am running around after a child? Yet there is the other side. Having a child can be a beautiful experience. It is a privilege to be an instrument of God in giving a soul a body, a life. It could be beautiful to do japa, kirtan with a child. There is no clear answer in black and white as to whether or not one should have a child.
I therefore feel the best thing is to leave the matter in God's hands. As a duty to family, and possibly to myself, I probably will try to have a child sometime in the next couple of years. But I leave it in the hands of God as to whether or not I actually have one. My prayer is that if God feels that having a child would be good for me spiritually, and also benefit the child, then let it be so. However if this would be a serious obstacle in my spiritual life, then let this not take place. I also pray that if God decides that I should have a child, then the child should be an ardent devotee of God. I would never force spirituality on a child, but I would be deeply sorry if I had a worldly child who only thought of mundane things. I would be happy to raise a child who is deeply spiritual and desires God.
So with around of a third of my life behind me, I face decisions about the next third (assuming I live that long). The next third needs to be filled with consistent regular sadhana. I am tired of merely looking at pictures of God, of having to visualise God, of only hearing about God, and discussing with others about God. I enjoy all this of course, but it feels like it is not enough. Like every other spiritual aspirant, I want to directly experience God for myself. I want to attain the pinnacle of spiritual life in this body itself. But as my Guru says, do the sadhana, and leave the results to God. So that is what I have to do and am doing.
I look at the lives of our Rishis as an example of married couples who raised one or more children and yet had deeply spiritual lives- who attained the peak of spiritual perfection. Where has this tradition gone? Today, when one thinks of living a truly spiritual life, one automatically thinks of external sannyas. It is as though the Rishis never existed as an example of combining householder responsibilities with perfect internal sannyas and God realisation. But they did exist and are an inspiration for us.
I love the colour gerua or orange/saffron. People say it symbolises various things related to spirituality, for instance agni- the fire that destroys ignorance, it is the colour of men and women of God, who have renounced the world for God, who are on a quest for God.
This colour today has become the property of people who have taken formal external sannyas. It is their uniform. Others are not permitted to wear this colour in most Ashrams. Those who wear this colour usually are placed on a pedestal in Ashrams, and non-orange wearing people bow down and touch their feet and are expected to show them great respect (whether or not the sannyasis are really worthy of it). The orange robe has become a status symbol in the spiritual world.
But true sannyas as my Guru says, is of the mind. It involves renouncing one's pride and ego, and becoming humbler than a blade of grass (many orange-clad sannyasis on the other hand are arrogant and haughty due to their external sannyas- there is no real mental sannyas at all). Renouncing one's relatives and job, can be easier for some of us that living with them and following my Guru's advice to "adapt, adjust, accommodate. Bear insult, bear injury".
I don't wear gerua in any Ashram because I respect their rules that only formal sannyasis can wear this. I am not keen to upset anyone in any organisation- whenever I go somewhere, I strictly obey their rules. But privately, I wear gerua in my own home when I do sadhana. I have dyed some clothes saffron and wear these when I sit for japa, kirtan or meditation. These are my sadhana clothes and I wear them only for this purpose. As I said, I love gerua. The colour is so pure, so holy, it reminds me of saints. I feel like a sannyasi when I wear these clothes. When I wear gerua, I feel like a seeker after God, like a member of that noble tribe including my Guru Sivananda, Chidananda, Malati Tapovan Mataji and countless other people who searched for and eventually found God.
Anyway. This brings my ramblings to an end for today. See link below for Sivananda's take on true sannyas- makes interesting reading.
http://sivanandaonline.org/public_html/?cmd=displaysection§ion_id=560
Om Sri Gurave Namah
Hari Aum Tat Sat
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