Parenting: a spiritual perspective

 Hari Aum.

I was having a chat with a friend yesterday on the subject on parenting. We were reflecting on what might be helpful and unhelpful based on our own experiences when we were growing up and also from our interactions with children. In addition to our exposure to children within our families, we both interact with children regularly as part of our work (she is a teacher and I am a doctor) which provides another useful perspective and opportunity for learning.

As my daughter approaches her fourth birthday, I was reflecting upon my journey as a parent so far. I knew it would not be easy, but nothing prepared me for both the joys and the challenges of parenting that I have experienced so far. I realise that one has to become a parent to truly understand this extrordinary experience; no book, or dealing with other people's children can provide a complete picture.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that I am very grateful to have become a parent. In my 20s and even early 30s, I often wondered whether I was really suited to this role, and whether I truly wanted it. By my mid-30s, it had become clear to me that this was something that was important to me and I was very thankful for the arrival of my daughter in my life. The timing of her arrival was just six months prior to the onset of the Covid pandemic in early 2020, so it was an interesting and challenging initial couple of years. As things gradually normalise a little (at least from a health perspective), I thought it would be useful to take stock of the journey so far.

I thought it would be useful to look at parenting from a spiritual perspective. What do the yogis say about parenting? The rishis (sages) of ancient times were married and had children. They continued to perform spiritual practices while raising their children and made both spiritual and material progess. Being married and having children was no bar to their spiritual lives; on the contrary, this was extremely beneficial.

What tenets did they follow, what principles did they apply in their lives? What did our own Gurus say, both the monks/nuns and the married ones? (By the way, a true Guru, although a realised being, in many ways acts like a parent to their disciples. Even if they have never had their own biological children, they tend to their disciples as their own children, and take care of both their spiritual and material needs).

In terms of parenting from a spiritual perspective, I thought I would divide up this article into a few sections based on my current understanding of this subject:

1. Principles of parenting 

2. Duties of parenting 

3. Practice of parenting

So what are the spiritual principles that undepin parenting?

Well, the following points would apply from a yogic perspective:

1. The child is a gift from God. The presence of God within the child (and within all) needs to recognised. The child should be treated with love. Their thoughts and feelings should be treated with respect. (As far as possible, one should speak kindly to them and avoid raising one's voice/shouting unless there is some emergency or this is an absolute last resort. Sivananda says that one should avoid shouting at children as one of his key '20 important spiritual instructions').

Furthermore the child is a soul on their own spiritual journey. They have come to this Earth to experience their own karmas; they have their own desires and wishes from previous lifetimes and this one. Their wishes and journey should be respected. 

Parents can and should guide their child; however, they should not force a child to take up a path in life against the child's wishes (e.g. compelling a child to take up a specific career, force them to marry someone etc; this should be obvious but it is incredible how common these behaviours are). 

The child should be actively encouraged to express and develop their natural talents and interests. They should be praised and treated with kindness as much as possible. This will make them feel loved and appreciated; this is essential for their wellbeing both in childhood and later in their adult lives.

2. Parenting cannot be separated from the rest of our spiritual lives. On the contrary, for any spiritual seeker who becomes a parent, the act of parenting becomes both a privilege and a duty. It is a form of karma yoga, service of God. It is also an expression of bhakti yoga, love of God. The yogi who becomes a parent must do their best in the performance of this important duty as a form of worship of God (who exists within the child). 

Some parents neglect their children in the name of spirituality. Sivananda and other Gurus say that this is an extremely negative karma and there will be serious consequences for such parents. He says that one should think carefully before having a child. One should only have a child if one is prepared to make the sacrifices of time, energy and resources involved in bringing them up. It is a serious tapas if one wants to do it well, this is the view of the yogis.  

What are the duties of a parent from a spiritual perspective?

1. Provide for the material needs of the child: 

This includes physical care (feeding, bathing, dressing etc), emotional care (providing love, emotional care and support, paying attention to the feelings of the child), intellectual care (providing the child an opportunity to develop their intellect, supporting their formal education). 

Providing a happy and carefree childhood as much as is reasonably possible (encouraging the child to engage in activities that she/he enjoys, connecting with friends etc). Providing financial support, a secure and safe home. Encouraging healthy connections with family, friends and others in society.

2. Support the child in developing a healthy, balanced personality: 

This involves a parental approach that is a balance between kindness and firmness, between leniency and discipline.

The child should not be unnecessarily criticised or scolded; equally, the child should not be allowed to run amok doing whatever they please especially if this involves upsetting others. The child needs to gently be taught to find a balance between their needs and those of others. This is an important skill that will serve them well in life in the future, in all aspects of life, both personal and professional, both material and spiritual.

3. Provide a spiritual education:

Human parents can guide and protect a child only upto a point. Ultimately, the fate of the child and their happiness in life depends upon their connection with their divine parent or God. Religion can never be forced upon a child; love for God cannot be conjured up by parents. However, the child should be provided with every opportunity to develop this for themselves. 

Parents are said to be the first Gurus of the child according to the ancient scriptures. They have a number of significant duties, both material and spiritual. 

The four goals of human life outlined in our scriptures are dharma (goodness/righteousness), artha (wealth/material possessions), kama (love and human relationships) and moksha (spiritual wisdom and Realisation). Dharma is the foundation stone of life, both material and spiritual. Without dharma, one cannot attain the other three goals of life.

Therefore, the yogis say it is the foremost duty of parents to instill ethical principles or dharma into the child. This requires both theory but even more importantly, practice. It is well-known that children often mimic their parents (in the world of medicine, there is increasing evidence that children with 'behavioural issues' are this way in great part due to the domestic atmosphere rather than an issue with themselves).

The fundamental principles of dharma, as we all know, are ahimsa (kindness/compassion towards other living beings, or non-violence), satya (truthfulness) and brahmacharya (some degree of control over the senses). Parents who are yogis have a duty to present a living example of these qualities to their children (not merely provide them with bookish knowledge of these. This may not always be easy but is important; will discuss this further in the 'practice' section below).

While laying the foundation stone of dharma in the life of the child, our scriptures say that the child should also be taught skills that enable them to become self-sufficient or financially independent in life in the future so that they can contribute something useful to society (this is the goal of 'artha'). Furthermore, they should be encouraged to enjoy life in a healthy manner and form positive connections with others (and, when the time comes, form their own families); this is the 'kama' aspect of life. 

Along with the above, they should be told that there is more to life than merely the material. There is a spiritual dimension; they should be introduced to this at a young age. This is the goal of 'moksha' (this goal is not meant to be recognised when one is very elderly and nearly in the grave as some people erroneously think; it is to be recognised and sought after from much earlier in life). 

Sivananda and other Gurus advise parents to include children in worship, for example, to sit with them in the evening (when the work of the day has been completed) and perform some kirtan. Or tell them uplifting spiritual stories that instill ethical values and devotion within them. Children generally enjoy hearing stories from their parents; along with popular stories, they should also be told spiritual stories suitable for their age and level of understanding. This is beneficial both for the child and the parents (as hearing and telling spiritual stories is a key spiritual practice).

In addition, when ceremonies of worship (such as pujas and homams) are performed in the house, the child should be included where possible (and appropriate depending upon their age). They should be invited to participate if they are interested (as children are usually curious, and often keen to do what their parents do, they are likely to be happy to be given a chance to be included).

The child should also be taught to pray, to address God in their own way using simple language to express their needs and wishes. They can also be taught easy and simple mantras and names of God. This is extremely important in my view, one of the most essential spiritual gifts parents can give their child. Names such as 'Rama', 'Krishna', 'Shiva', 'Durga', 'Radha' etc should be taught. If the parent has a Guru, the child should be told the name of the Guru. 

If the child has parents from different religious backgrounds, they should be introduced to the names of God from those traditions too. They should be taught to respect all spiritual traditions from an early age; to respect all names and forms of God (in addition to any favourite they may have chosen for themselves).

The role of God as the giver of all things, the protector, the one who makes us happy should be explained in simple terms to the child. Every now and again they should be encouraged to express thanks to God for the things they have received in life, be it their toys, books or favourite foods. They should witness their parents expressing this gratitude to God on a regular, daily basis as this provides them with a living example.

Special mantras especially suited to the present spiritual age such as the Hare Rama mantra should be recited with the child for even a few minutes daily, for example, before bedtime. Along with the usual toys and books, a spiritual toy or two can also be provided (for example, a toy form of Krishna). This helps the child become familiar with the various forms of God.

Spiritual festivals should be celebrated and, along with the sweets and enjoyment, the spiritual meaning should be briefly explained. 

The child should be introduced to formal places of worship such as temples, churches etc. One can explain that these are special places where people gather to worship God, say thank you to Him/Her and make requests for help and protection. Prasad or sacred food can also be given to the child; this provides spiritual blessings.

Chidananda (a Self-realised disciple of Sivananda) writes that each member of the household, including children, should be allowed their own time and space to connect with the Most High, they should have their own private little altar. One can provide a child with a little spot for their own worship, a small idol of their favourite form of God, and encourage them to make their own prayers.

Therefore, in a variety of ways, the child should be introduced to God and learn to develop their own connection with Him/Her. This is the key to happiness in life, both spiritual and material. This is the most important and sacred duty of the parent. 

This is ultimately the greatest gift that one can give to one's child as a parent. Because from this connection alone stems all the good things in life, all joy, all peace, all success, everything. 

This is the key to facing all present and future challenges in life; this gives inner strength, this gives resilience, this gives all. (And, sadly, without this, life rapidly deteriorates into an empty shell of materialism, discord and strife; a veritable hell indeed-- and no true parent would want this for their child).

Practice of parenting:

As mentioned above, yogis who are parents need to provide their children with a living example of yogic values. Perfection cannot be expected here (as we are all human after all), but sincerity can be, earnest striving can be.

It is human to fail, but failures are the stepping stones to success, so the yogis say. The child should therefore be taught not to fear failure, but rather, to face this, to learn from it, and avoid giving up (to try again).

In practical terms, one also needs to cut oneself some slack. One cannot be a perfect yogi, a machine, getting up everyday and performing all spiritual and material duties flawlessly at all times. This would be impossible.

One can certainly have principles and ideals to guide one, to strive for, as outlined above. But one needs to accept that, especially with the hectic, modern lives that most of us lead, we need to take a very pragmatic approach.

We cannot expect perfection either from ourselves or from our children. We need to be realistic. We can only do our best. And leave the rest in the hands of God. Fortunately, the Gurus tell us that this will be adequate for both spiritual progress and for reasonable material success in life.

I will conclude by sharing an interesting article by Swami Chidananda on the subject of parenting (this was written some time ago, but much of what he says applies even today):

https://www.sivanandaonline.org/?cmd=displayrightsection&section_id=1560&parent=1341&format=html

 

Om.

May God, the Universal Parent, bless us, so that we may perform our parental duties in accordance with His/Her will. May He/She bless our children and all children with both spiritual and material success in life.

Om Namo Narayanaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.

Yoga, twin souls and union with God

Hari Aum. 

I was recently mulling over the fact that the majority of online literature that I have come across in recent months on 'twin souls' seems to focus on them getting together somehow as the main goal of life-- i.e. their 'union' or 'reunion' (which may apparantly be inner or external). 

The general view is that 'inner work' or spiritual work needs to be done by them both mainly so that they can then achieve this union. Spiritual attainment is recognised as a goal for them but the overwhelming emphasis in the literature that exists online seems to be the union of the twin souls themselves as the key goal in their life (or even lifetimes).

Now this is quite interesting, and may I say, a different approach from that of the yogis. The yogis quite clearly declare that union with God is the key goal of human life. It is the purpose of human life, the goal for all souls (whether twin souls or not). This spiritual state, the culmination of lifetimes of spiritual practice, is known by various terms such as 'liberation', Self-realisation (moksha/nirvana) etc. 

Our 'union' or connection with any other soul, be it a 'soul mate', 'twin soul' or anyone else, may be an important part of our journey to experience our true God nature --but not a goal in itself according to the yogis. And one can of course attain God without a twin soul or soul mate.

Individual souls or 'jivas' (whether or not they are twin souls) are still a part of the Maya (illusion of God that makes all beings appear as separate from God). This Maya, this illusion of separatedness is said to disappear when one experiences one's true God nature. Thus, the Self-realised yogi (whether or not they felt themselves to be a twin soul) feels one with all beings, with all souls (and not just with their twin soul).

Overcoming desires and attachments is a key part of this spiritual quest for God. The attachments that we have for our 'soul mates', our 'twin souls' and other soul family members need to be overcome for us to become fit to attain experience of God.

Swami Chidananda, disciple of Sivananda and a self-realised beings, says:

"Spiritual life is becoming dead to the life of desires, and alive only in love for the Supreme One."

Naturally what this means is not that the world and everyone in it is to be rejected; not at all, for all beings are a part of God. 

What this means is that all beings (including 'soul mates', 'twin souls' and so on) are to be recognised as a part of God, and these connections therefore have a sacred, divine aspect (aside from the usual human dimension which is also ok).

From a spiritual perspective, the most effective approach is to surrender to the will of God in all things. One says to God, "You alone are my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, my spouse, my child, my relative, my friend, my wealth, my all in all. I have no refuge but You. Please do whatever You feel is best for me. Let me be attuned to Your will in all things."

From a human perspective, it is normal to have desires, and the yogis say we need to gradually transcend these via spiritual practices such as mantra japa and so on. The desire for a soul mate, or twin soul, or any other soul, is a part of the normal spectrum of human desires and is perfectly natural, but it is still ultimately a desire to be transcended.

It is true that one's desire for a twin soul or a soul mate may be unusually strong, and can be particularly difficult to transcend. Perhaps this in itself is the spiritual challenge, the spiritual test. The stronger the desire, the more spiritually strong one has to become to deal with it, the more attuned to the will of God one has to become to handle it in the right way. 

This, in my view, is the main reason for the existence of twin souls, i.e. to present each other with various experiences and opportunities for spiritual growth. Whether or not they have any physical presence in each other's life is very much secondary and entirely up to God (I would imagine this would only take place if there was a higher spiritual purpose. As far as I am aware, they are generally not meant to live a regular life together in the typical way in society; they can but it appears that this is often not the case). 

I just wanted to mention this for anyone who is actively seeking some sort of soul companion in life, be it a soul mate, twin soul, or anybody else. The best thing to do in this situation is to approach God and let Him/Her decide what is best for one. If one is seeking a life partner to marry and have children with, then again various spiritual practices can be undertaken to obtain the blessings of God in this endeavour (such as anushthanas, purascharanas of the mantra of various deities such as the 'ishta devata' or favourite form of God). 

I feel it is spiritually unwise to seek union with a 'twin soul' as the goal of life. The purpose of human life is very much to seek union with God, and to truly experience the wonderful reality that one is already a part of God, and not separate from Him/Her, and thus already not separate from one's twin soul/soul mate/any other soul. 

The yogis declare that we are already one with God, and with all souls (including twin souls, soul mates and everybody else). We are doing spiritual practices to recognise this, and any experiences we have on the way (due to the encounter with other souls, or as a result of our spiritual practices) is a manifestation of the grace of God, and is meant to lead us Godwards.

Om Namo Narayanaya dasoham tava Keshava.

This is a variation of the ashtakshara mantra that is sometimes chanted in the Sivananda centres around the world and means: 

"Salutations to Lord Narayana. I am Your servant O Keshava (a name of Krishna)." 

This mantra is intended to convey the spirit of surrender to God, to the attunement of one's will to that of God, and to recognise that one is a part of God.

May Narayana bless us all with Realisation of our true divine nature.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.

P.S. I would also like to address two other views on this subject of twin souls that I regard as misconceptions. One is the view that they are somehow more evolved than other souls and are 'meant to show others the way' and perform some 'mission'.  The yogis say that we are all divine souls who are equal to each other and a part of God. There is no superior or inferior soul (the soul may not fully manifest the divine within however, but that is the whole point of the spiritual path-- to learn to manifest the divine within). And all souls born in a human body have a special mission-- to attain God.

Also, there are plenty of Self-realised beings who did not have a 'twin soul' or 'soul mate' and I therefore feel the online literature is quite misleading in this regard. 

Secondly, the online literature suggests that the existing partners of twin souls are 'karmics' whose grip needs to be somehow overcome to attain union with the other twin soul. Again, this is quite at odds with the yogic view which is that all souls are divine and worthy of equal regard. Every soul is on their own unique journey to God and equally dear to Him/Her. The law of karma applies to us all, and all human relationships therefore have a karma-related element. 

It is very important to practice the spiritual vision of seeing God in all beings (whether soul mates, twin souls or any other soul, of any species) and things in order to attain God-- this is the declaration of all Gurus and yogis. 

Spiritual pride is a very dangerous problem according to them (even more deadly and destructive of spiritual progress than any material pride in wealth, power, intellect, name and fame). One needs to actively avoid this by praying to God to allow one see Him/Her alone in all and thus overcome this challenge.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.

Sincerity and empathy in spiritual life

 Hari Aum.

The Gurus tell us that we need to cultivate a number of helpful qualities or virtues to be able to progress spiritually.

The main aim of the cultivation of these qualities is to cleanse the mind and render it fit for contemplation and meditation upon God. These virtues draw the grace of God upon us and help us to recognise His presence within ourselves and others. I was reflecting upon two of these qulities recently which I feel are very important.

The first of these is sincerity. Sincerity is defined as being honest, or the absence of deceit and hypocrisy. It involves speaking from the heart, and being genuine. It is a form of truthfulness or Satya. Sincerity, from a spiritual perspective, means being serious about the search for God. 

It involves an unshakable feeling, a conviction and recognition that there is more to this world than meets the eye. It involves a strong desire to discover that Self which is hidden behind all these ever-changing names and forms. 

When one is sincere about the search for God, one will find time to connect with Him/Her every day regardless of one's circumstances. Just like a hungry man will not reject a delicious meal laid out on a table in front of him, a spiritually hungry person will not reject their daily spiritual practices under any circumstances. Just as people find time to eat and drink every day, no matter how busy they are, spiritual seekers will find time to do some sadhana every day, no matter how hectic their lives are. 

Sivananda advises his students to continue their sadhana with 'leech-like tenacity'. The capacity to do that comes from sincerity. And when we are sincere about improving ourselves, about seeking the Higher Self, we obtain the grace of God and help from all true Gurus. This may not always be obvious but the help will always be there. No sincere seeker is ever left alone to struggle on the spiritual path by themselves (even if it feels that way sometimes and it inevitably will from time to time).

Even if we fail a million times, even if our lower minds never cease to trouble us, no matter what our present state is, if we have sincerity, honesty, a genuine desire to work upon ourselves and improve, then the grace of God is assured, that is what the Gurus tell us (and many of us would have also experienced this ourselves). We can be completely certain about this and we will all have experienced this knowingly or unknowingly.

Another extremely important quality in spiritual life is empathy. This is defined as the capacity to understand and feel another person's feelings. This involves engaging both the head and the heart and is an important skill both materially and spiritually. 

Empathy is a form of kindness and compassion. It is an important aspect of ahimsa or non-violence. We are empathetic towards others when we give people the benefit of the doubt, when we have faith in them, when we trust others. We are empathetic towards others when we are careful not to be unfairly judgemental and harsh, when we consider why others may have said or done something, what feelings they may have experienced that may have then led them to behave in a particular way. 

When we are empathetic, we feel the pain of others. We actively take steps to minimise or avoid causing pain to others as far as possible. This is a general outline of the practice of empathy.

From a spiritual perspective, empathy includes recognising the presence of God in others. It involves honouring that God by desisting from saying or doing things deliberately to harm others. It involves actively saying and doing things that will benefit others.

It is very important to point out that being empathetic does not in any way mean being a doormat. Many spiritual seekers make this mistake. In the name of being empathetic towards others, they may inadvertently allow all sorts of egoistic and toxic individuals whom they encounter in life to walk all over them. "Never mind, that is just the way they are. I should not respond harshly but just accept this is the way it is" one may say about such harmful individuals. 

Sadly, this approach does not do anybody any good. The egoistic, toxic individuals in question will only continue to harm others, blissfully ignorant about the negative impact of their actions. While the spiritual seeker will often find that, if they keep company with such people, their own health and wellbeing is negatively impacted and possibly even destroyed.

In such situations, one must take a firm stand and establish some clear boundaries. One might say to others "I respect you and wish you well. However, this does not mean that I will accept significant amounts of abuse and toxicity from you. There are limits to everything. If you cross a line, we may not be able to continue this connection."

If there have been prolonged periods of abusive behaviour from others, there may come a time when one has to draw a line and cut all contact. This is a last resort, but sadly, this may be required in some cases, particularly when there does not appear to be any form of sincerity or evidence of genuine regret or change in the other. It is very important to remember that actions speak much louder than words. Anyone can say 'sorry' but it is the actions that truly reveal whether a person sincere about being sorry or whether they merely see this as a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card.

One needs to show a bit of empathy towards oneself too. In order to be kind to others, one has to have something in the emotional tank; there needs to be that inner strength, inner wellbeing, in order to give to others. One therefore needs to ensure that one looks after one's own emotional and physical health and wellbeing (both spiritual and material) very well in order to serve and give to others. This is not selfish, this is common sense.

In summary, sincerity and empathy are very useful qualities to cultivate for spiritual progress. Without these, it is unlikely that one will see any real results despite much spiritual practice. With these, even if we have many failings, we will slowly and steadily move forward on the spiritual path.

From a spiritual perspective, the practice of sincerity or honesty involves recognising and honouring the God within ourselves, that God whose essence is Truth. 

And, the practice of empathy, of making the effort to understand the feelings and thoughts of others based on contemplating what they may be going through, involves recognising and honouring the presence of God in others. 

This combination of worshipping God both in oneself and others allows us to gain maximum benefits from our spiritual practices such as japa, puja, kirtan, spiritual study, karma yoga and so on.

We may not always succeed in being perfectly sincere and empathetic but it is the trying that matters. It is the intention to practice these qualities that matters. 

If we study the lives of our Gurus who succeeded in attaining God during their lifetimes, we will see that they too went through many of the struggles that we are going through. They too had to deal with all sorts of problems both from within their own minds and from the outside world; many of them have discussed these and explained how they overcame them gradually.

The main quality in them was that they never gave up. They refused to quit no matter what challenges they faced. If we read their autobiographies, we will find that it was no cakewalk at all for them. They had to do battle with their lower minds just as we, who wish to follow in their footsteps, need to do. And they have advised us to do the same. There are no short cuts, they tell us. No quick fixes on the spiritual path. With great patience, with immense perseverance, with extraordinary sincerity, they simply kept at their spiritual practices, day after day after day. 

And, we will also find, that they went out of their way to be empathetic and took action to serve others in whatever way they could. They all made a serious effort to do something practical for the welfare of others. One simply cannot advance spiritually without lifting a finger to help others, without taking some trouble for the welfare of others. The God within others simply has to be recognised and worshipped (via some sort of service, no matter whether big or small) if one is to have any real chance at all of spiritual progress.

Sitting comfortably in a room doing japa and meditation all day long, and reading a few spiritual books will not get us very far. At some point, we will need to get up and do something practical for somebody. And generally, the Gurus say, it is a good idea to do also do something for people we not do know and from whom we do not expect anything in return. That is what makes it selfless (karma yoga). 

It is unwise to limit oneself only to serving one's family and friends all one's life as the Gurus say this narrow form of service is only a manifestation of the ego (looking after only those who are related to us or from whom we have some expectations is a sort of selfishness). To progress spiritually, the yogis say that, while caring for our relatives and friends, we also need to care equally about people who are not connected with us in any way. This is real empathy, genuine worship of God.

So, let us also keep at it, keep up our spiritual practices day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. That has worked for others and it will work for us too. 

Eventually. :)

On that note, I would like to say that I am continuing steadily with my daily japa practice as planned. I find the seven malas a day of the ashtakashara with one mala a day of the Lakshmi mantra is working well for me (as my health improves, I am increasing my hours of work so I feel this is a realistic amount of daily japa for the present).

May God bless us all with the qualities of spiritual sincerity and empathy and thus enable us to progress well on the spiritual path.

Om Namo Bhagavate Sivanandaya.

Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya.

Om Namo Narayanaya.

Hari Aum Tat Sat.