Hari Aum.
It takes faith in the name or mantra of God to continue this practice day after day, month after month, year after year. For some, the faith comes naturally and one takes to mantra practice like a fish to water. For others, the mantra may appear in one's life due to some crisis- after which faith and trust in it develops.
Whatever the manner in which it comes, faith is undoubtedly important. Faith is a sort of trust, a hope- and in the end, it is replaced by experience. Faith is only needed initially, it helps one continue a practice until when gets one's own experience.
In my case, the mantra sort of barged its way into my life through some events. I reflect upon these from time to time, especially when I feel sluggish on the spiritual path. Remembering these events, kindles my motivation and keeps me going.
I am going to write about these events here. Because they showed me the mantra is more than an ordinary sound. I hope this will be inspirational to others also walking the path of mantra japa.
I am not one of those people who worshipped God from childhood. I grew up in a modern family filled with professionals. There was no time for any spiritual talk- all discussion at home was related to material subjects. I was encouraged to study modern subjects and had no real exposure to any philosophy.
I also had zero interest in spiritual matters myself as a child and found temples very boring (only went when dragged by some relative and eating 'prasad' was the only thing I enjoyed while there).
Years later, while I was in my early teens in Delhi, my grandparents came to stay for some years. They had the habit of saying "Narayana, Narayana" periodically (a habit common among people of their generation in Kerala). I used to find this odd but thought it was probably a learned habit.
This was the first time that the name of Narayana regularly fell upon my ears. I took little notice and did not give it any importance. Thus, while I lived in India, I had no interest whatsoever in spiritual matters.
Then, at the age of 16, I left India for good and moved to Europe with my family. Here I focussed on studying hard at school in order to be able to study medicine at university. Things were generally going well from a material perspective.
God continued to have no place in my life, until one day, I had to go to hospital for some invasive tests. While I was in hospital, a trainee nurse injected a sharp needle into the wrong part of my arm and probably hit a nerve instead of a vessel. As a result, I felt the most excruciating pain and blacked out (a common response to pain).
This is when the mantra made a grand entry into my life. When I blacked out, it wasn't just like a 'normal' black-out, when one doesn't remember anything. This is where it will probably sound a bit odd but it happened, what can I say.
This world disappeared completely and there was no memory of it (like a dream vanishes). Even worse, there was no me. No 16 year-old girl, no family, no name, no place, no nothing. It was very frightening. Not least because I felt that I was dying. Obviously I was not (the doctors later said it was an atypical faint). But that was the feeling. My mother, who saw this, said I went stiff, eyes rolling and stopped breathing, there was almost no pulse either. I was, however, not aware of any of this.
The only thing I was aware of was a roaring blackness, huge, fast, moving at tremendous speed. And I was in this black state, feeling utterly helpless. I could not snap out of this state back to the familiar world I know and like. There was a strong yearning to come back.
In this state, of utter fear, in this ghastly void beyond all description, there came the sound "Narayana". I don't know where it came from. I didn't say "Narayana" in my mind. Because my mind did not exist. The person I am now, did not exist.
So this person could not have said "Narayana". Anyway, there was consciousness of this sound. (Maybe it went deep into my consciousness somehow because of hearing my grandparents say this years ago, and it surfaced now, I don't know.)
A while later, I regained consciousness, but not calmly. I came around in the hospital, screaming "Narayana, Narayana" at the top of my lungs (was also crying due to feeling fear due to the feeling of dying). I had never called upon Narayana so desperately in my life until then.
The poor doctor and nurse had no idea what I was saying. My mother was also puzzled by my calling Narayana, as I had certainly never voluntarily called Him ever before up to that point.
After that, the memory of that experience stayed with me. A change came about in me. I gradually became more interested in spiritual matters. I started reading spiritual books instead of fiction. And developed an attachment to Krishna in particular. I later discovered my Guru in 2004 and became very interested in spiritual life and mantras in particular. I became a spiritual seeker.
I had the same scary experience a few more times, the latest being in May 2011- that was probably one of the worst. That time, the words "Keshava, please help me" arose in my consciousness while I was blacked out and went stiff. I then came around undignifiedly shouting "Keshava, Keshava" and woke up the entire household with the name of God - it happened at night and they were all asleep. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it), they all heard the name of God loud and clear that night, a name they were not used to hearing!
After reflecting upon that occasion in 2011, I decided I must have a daily mantra practice (my mantra practice had become very sporadic at this stage due to being busy with my medical training). Some months later, I started a very regular daily practice in November 2011 doing just 1 mala a day, and began the first purascharana in January 2012. And from then till the present, I have continued a daily practice without missing a single day of reciting His names. His name remains a priority even when life is very busy with work and other activities.
I have not had the scary experiences since 2011. No idea if they will happen again (and privately, I hope they do not, unless God wants them to). While the memory of these events creates awe and fear in me, I am forever grateful to God for them. In the form of His name, He barged into my life in this way.
These scary experiences taught me two valuable lessons:
1. The name or mantra of God is powerful and protects. My experience of this is the reason I repeat it daily with reverence. I now understand the words of my Guru Sivandana, in his book 'Japa yoga', when he says "In the darkest hour of your trial, only the name of God will save you".
In this kali yuga, where the name of God is the primary sadhana advised in the scriptures, I feel very blessed to have been given strong faith in the name of God as a result of these experiences.
2. He is the real doer (for everyone). Me, my name, my personality, can be erased as easily as a piece of software can be deleted off a computer. My mind, my being is very, very temporary. I know this now- by my own experience.
I don't dare to say "I", my personality, had this scary experience. Because my current personality was not there to experience it. It was deleted, albeit temporarily.
I am grateful to God, that He allowed me to understand that my personality is fragile and can evaporate at any moment. That He is the underlying basis of my existence, as He is for everyone.
So, when I say "Narayana" in this waking state, I say this name with reverence. I remember that this name alone existed when nothing else in the world did.
I respect this name more than I respect anything else in this world. This name is my true Guru (Sivananda is an embodiment of this name for me), this name is my God. And God willing, I will never let it go. I've seen its power myself and nobody can persuade me otherwise. This name is precious. It is not a 'normal' sound, it exists where no other sound can exist. I feel it it is the key to my spiritual discovery.
After I discovered Sivananda and had to pick my mantra for initiation in 2005, it was no surprise that I chose "Om Namo Narayanaya".
I trust that this mantra will continue to reveal its secrets to me little by little as I continue the practice. I have no doubt that your mantra will also do the same for you if you have a regular, daily practice.
So in summary, faith is indeed important in spiritual life. And the mantra is a very precious gift.
Hari Aum Tat Sat
It takes faith in the name or mantra of God to continue this practice day after day, month after month, year after year. For some, the faith comes naturally and one takes to mantra practice like a fish to water. For others, the mantra may appear in one's life due to some crisis- after which faith and trust in it develops.
Whatever the manner in which it comes, faith is undoubtedly important. Faith is a sort of trust, a hope- and in the end, it is replaced by experience. Faith is only needed initially, it helps one continue a practice until when gets one's own experience.
In my case, the mantra sort of barged its way into my life through some events. I reflect upon these from time to time, especially when I feel sluggish on the spiritual path. Remembering these events, kindles my motivation and keeps me going.
I am going to write about these events here. Because they showed me the mantra is more than an ordinary sound. I hope this will be inspirational to others also walking the path of mantra japa.
I am not one of those people who worshipped God from childhood. I grew up in a modern family filled with professionals. There was no time for any spiritual talk- all discussion at home was related to material subjects. I was encouraged to study modern subjects and had no real exposure to any philosophy.
I also had zero interest in spiritual matters myself as a child and found temples very boring (only went when dragged by some relative and eating 'prasad' was the only thing I enjoyed while there).
Years later, while I was in my early teens in Delhi, my grandparents came to stay for some years. They had the habit of saying "Narayana, Narayana" periodically (a habit common among people of their generation in Kerala). I used to find this odd but thought it was probably a learned habit.
This was the first time that the name of Narayana regularly fell upon my ears. I took little notice and did not give it any importance. Thus, while I lived in India, I had no interest whatsoever in spiritual matters.
Then, at the age of 16, I left India for good and moved to Europe with my family. Here I focussed on studying hard at school in order to be able to study medicine at university. Things were generally going well from a material perspective.
God continued to have no place in my life, until one day, I had to go to hospital for some invasive tests. While I was in hospital, a trainee nurse injected a sharp needle into the wrong part of my arm and probably hit a nerve instead of a vessel. As a result, I felt the most excruciating pain and blacked out (a common response to pain).
This is when the mantra made a grand entry into my life. When I blacked out, it wasn't just like a 'normal' black-out, when one doesn't remember anything. This is where it will probably sound a bit odd but it happened, what can I say.
This world disappeared completely and there was no memory of it (like a dream vanishes). Even worse, there was no me. No 16 year-old girl, no family, no name, no place, no nothing. It was very frightening. Not least because I felt that I was dying. Obviously I was not (the doctors later said it was an atypical faint). But that was the feeling. My mother, who saw this, said I went stiff, eyes rolling and stopped breathing, there was almost no pulse either. I was, however, not aware of any of this.
The only thing I was aware of was a roaring blackness, huge, fast, moving at tremendous speed. And I was in this black state, feeling utterly helpless. I could not snap out of this state back to the familiar world I know and like. There was a strong yearning to come back.
In this state, of utter fear, in this ghastly void beyond all description, there came the sound "Narayana". I don't know where it came from. I didn't say "Narayana" in my mind. Because my mind did not exist. The person I am now, did not exist.
So this person could not have said "Narayana". Anyway, there was consciousness of this sound. (Maybe it went deep into my consciousness somehow because of hearing my grandparents say this years ago, and it surfaced now, I don't know.)
A while later, I regained consciousness, but not calmly. I came around in the hospital, screaming "Narayana, Narayana" at the top of my lungs (was also crying due to feeling fear due to the feeling of dying). I had never called upon Narayana so desperately in my life until then.
The poor doctor and nurse had no idea what I was saying. My mother was also puzzled by my calling Narayana, as I had certainly never voluntarily called Him ever before up to that point.
After that, the memory of that experience stayed with me. A change came about in me. I gradually became more interested in spiritual matters. I started reading spiritual books instead of fiction. And developed an attachment to Krishna in particular. I later discovered my Guru in 2004 and became very interested in spiritual life and mantras in particular. I became a spiritual seeker.
I had the same scary experience a few more times, the latest being in May 2011- that was probably one of the worst. That time, the words "Keshava, please help me" arose in my consciousness while I was blacked out and went stiff. I then came around undignifiedly shouting "Keshava, Keshava" and woke up the entire household with the name of God - it happened at night and they were all asleep. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it), they all heard the name of God loud and clear that night, a name they were not used to hearing!
After reflecting upon that occasion in 2011, I decided I must have a daily mantra practice (my mantra practice had become very sporadic at this stage due to being busy with my medical training). Some months later, I started a very regular daily practice in November 2011 doing just 1 mala a day, and began the first purascharana in January 2012. And from then till the present, I have continued a daily practice without missing a single day of reciting His names. His name remains a priority even when life is very busy with work and other activities.
I have not had the scary experiences since 2011. No idea if they will happen again (and privately, I hope they do not, unless God wants them to). While the memory of these events creates awe and fear in me, I am forever grateful to God for them. In the form of His name, He barged into my life in this way.
These scary experiences taught me two valuable lessons:
1. The name or mantra of God is powerful and protects. My experience of this is the reason I repeat it daily with reverence. I now understand the words of my Guru Sivandana, in his book 'Japa yoga', when he says "In the darkest hour of your trial, only the name of God will save you".
In this kali yuga, where the name of God is the primary sadhana advised in the scriptures, I feel very blessed to have been given strong faith in the name of God as a result of these experiences.
2. He is the real doer (for everyone). Me, my name, my personality, can be erased as easily as a piece of software can be deleted off a computer. My mind, my being is very, very temporary. I know this now- by my own experience.
I don't dare to say "I", my personality, had this scary experience. Because my current personality was not there to experience it. It was deleted, albeit temporarily.
I am grateful to God, that He allowed me to understand that my personality is fragile and can evaporate at any moment. That He is the underlying basis of my existence, as He is for everyone.
So, when I say "Narayana" in this waking state, I say this name with reverence. I remember that this name alone existed when nothing else in the world did.
I respect this name more than I respect anything else in this world. This name is my true Guru (Sivananda is an embodiment of this name for me), this name is my God. And God willing, I will never let it go. I've seen its power myself and nobody can persuade me otherwise. This name is precious. It is not a 'normal' sound, it exists where no other sound can exist. I feel it it is the key to my spiritual discovery.
After I discovered Sivananda and had to pick my mantra for initiation in 2005, it was no surprise that I chose "Om Namo Narayanaya".
I trust that this mantra will continue to reveal its secrets to me little by little as I continue the practice. I have no doubt that your mantra will also do the same for you if you have a regular, daily practice.
So in summary, faith is indeed important in spiritual life. And the mantra is a very precious gift.
Hari Aum Tat Sat
Om Namo Narayana! Thank you so much for sharing this amazing story - of the void and the Lord's name. It is very inspiring for me. Thank you for your amazing website and deep devotion.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found the post helpful Krishnapriya. Wish you the very best with your sadhana (sorry have only just seen your comment due to issues with the site).
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