Dark night of the soul

Hari Aum.

Today I'd like to write something about a not-too-happy but important subject in spiritual life. The so-called 'dark night of the soul'.

The masters of all spiritual traditions say that this time comes in the life of every spiritual seeker. This 'dark night'. What is the 'dark night of the soul'?

This phrase is said to have been originally described in a poem by a Christian mystic of the 14th century known as St John of the Cross. You can read an English translation of his poem here:

http://www.poetseers.org/spiritual-and-devotional-poets/christian/the-works-of-st-john-of-the-cross/dark-night-of-the-soul/index.html

Swami Chidananda (disciple of Sivananda) describes this stage in the following words:

"John Bunyan has written a book called "Pilgrim’s Progress", where he traces the seeker’s path until he attains God. Along the way, there is a stage where the seeker falls into the quagmire of despondency. At another place, he is caught by despair. So he goes through despondency, despair, doubt and confusion. He feels he won’t attain it at all. He thinks his life has been a waste. St. John of the Cross has also talked about this stage."

http://www.dlshq.org/messages/self-realisation.htm

Paul Brunton, a British mystic and disciple of Ramana Maharishi of recent times has written an excellent and detailed article on this subject:

https://paulbrunton.org/notebooks/23/3

He says: "The dread phenomenon of the dark night of the soul makes its appearance in a mystic's life only a few times at most, sometimes only once. The devotions lose their fervour, the emotions become cold, and worship seems a futile exercise. There is no longer any pleasure to be got from the inner life, and experiences of mystical satisfaction are either rare or absent altogether. Meditation becomes dry, barren, and ineffective; often the very taste for it departs. Aspiration seems dead. Where there was once spiritual light in the mind and spiritual heat in the heart, there is now only darkness and ashes. A torpor of sheer fatalism settles over the will. Life becomes marked by emptiness, aimlessness, lack of inspiration, and drifts with the tide of events."

"He who suffers the dark night finds himself poised unhappily between the two worlds--the lower not wanted, the higher not wanting him."

Bascially, the dark night of the soul has one or more of the following features:

-A sense of despair that one will never attain God
-Self-doubt
-Sadness
-Lack of interest in spiritual practices. The love for meditation and other sadhana evaporates.
-Emotional fatigue, listlessness
-A sort of spiritual depression.
-A sense of being abandoned by God and Guru.
-A sense of terrible loneliness and suffering that one feels nothing and nobody (except God) can heal
-A lack of enjoyment in all worldly things
-A yearning for God but a feeling that there is a still long way way yet to go
-A feeling of spiritual unworthiness

These and other unhappy feelings are some of the features of the dark night of the soul. It is a stage where one is in no-man's land. One cannot find real joy in any worldly thing. One has rejected the world. But one has not yet been accepted by God in His embrace. One feels miserable and unfulfilled, like something very important is missing.

This wretched state can last for days, months or even years according to the mystics. They say it is necessary to break the ego. In this miserable condition, one is reminded that one cannot take a single step forward on the spiritual path without the grace of God. One has to surrender to the will of God. With patience. This is the challenge.

One has to wait patiently for winter to end before spring comes. One cannot hurry winter away and make it get over faster. No. It takes its own time. One has to learn to survive the winter no matter how painful one finds it. It is the same with the spiritual winter- the dark night of the soul.

Paul Brunton mentions one dangerous feature of the 'dark night'. Sometimes the mind rebels in this stage and old negative/evil habits that had been conquered in the past re-surface and try to assert themselves. One has to remain very vigilant at this time to avoid a spiritual downfall.

I am writing about this topic today because I feel I am going through something like this. It's been building up gradually since August last year and reached a peak in early December. I have lost all love for bhajan, kirtan, meditation, japa or any spiritual practice. It's not that I don't desire the spiritual goal. That remains the most important thing in life, it gives meaning to everything else in my life.
The trouble is that I feel in the grip of all the sad, miserable, negative emotions that Paul Brunton and others have described. I have been hanging on to the daily japa by sheer determination and the grace of Guru/God. I do the japa daily like taking a bitter medication. Previously I used to enjoy doing it- it was a joyful process. Now it is a dreary process that I do because I know it is good for me.

It has taken every ounce of mental strength to continue the daily japa somehow in the past month. I went to a Krishna temple yesterday on new year's day. There, some people were singing the names of Krishna very soulfully and lovingly. I would normally have joined in but felt completely unable to do so. I've lost that loving feeling.

I just looked at the deity and mentally asked 'What's happening to me?', 'I used to be able to sing like that before, and it feels like You've taken it away from me. Why?' 'I accept that whatever spiritual fervour I've had until now, whatever spiritual practice I've done until now, has been Your grace only. I accept that. Don't let me fall off the path, please. Put me back, keep me there, or all is lost.' I felt the tears pricking my eyes and had to control myself not to start crying in public. It was awkward.

Anyway, the misery continues. I'm writing this for anyone else who's going through this miserable phase in spiritual life. It will come to us all according to the yogis and it will pass. But until then we have to hang in there somehow.

I'm hanging in there somehow. It really is not easy. But I can't walk away either. I know deep inside that this is the only path worth walking and that all other paths lead to dust.

I feel like the character Frodo in the book 'The lord of the rings'. You know that stage at the very end where when he enters the dark and dangerous land of Mordor. He has with him just a small light, the 'light of Elendil', to guide him. I feel like I'm spiritually in the dark land of Mordor. My light is my mantra which I'm hanging onto for dear life. It's not a nice experience. But I try and remind myself, "this too shall pass". And I still have faith (thank God) in my mantra and take it daily as my spiritual medicine.

Hari Aum Tat Sat

P.S. Ironically, this period from Dec 2018- July 2019  is supposed to be a good one for me spiritually based on my astrological chart. I don't know what lessons this phase is going to teach me (may be it will be spiritually useful) but right now, I feel like I'm struggling spiritually rather than flying.