Hari Aum.
This is a message for all readers committed to walking the spiritual path. We live in a world where many unspiritual qualities are valued and even encouraged. Some of these include being able to lie effectively without being caught, the ability to be loud and aggressive, push people down to lift oneself up, be deceptive/false, project false confidence and numerous other negative qualities.
We encounter individuals who value such qualities everywhere--within the family, within the workplace, in society everywhere.
This puts us in a bit of a dilemma. We do not want respond in the same negative way as these individuals as that would involve us abandoning our own path, which emphasises cultivation of the opposite spiritual qualities. So many of us respond by being kind, considerate in return, or even indifferent. This can sometimes give these negative individuals the impression that we are weak and unable to stand up to them-- such people often mistake kindness for weakness. Their negativity towards us can therefore increase further.
Some people are particularly negative and being around them is harmful for our psychological and physical health (stress affects all parts of the body and mind). In the world of psychology, such extremely negative people (who rarely change), are known as 'toxic individuals'. Psychologists advise that the only option when dealing with such individuals is to set clear boundaries as to what is/is not acceptable, and if necessary, even walk away. This is not easy particularly when it comes to family. However, for many of us, there can come a time when this is the option to preserve our own health and sanity.
It is important to remember that there is a spectrum with regard to caring for the needs of ourselves and those of others. That spectrum involves three categories: selfishness, self-care and self-destruction. Selfishness involves only caring about our needs, without any consideration at all for the needs of others. Self-destruction involves only caring about others' needs without any consideration at all of even our basic needs (such as the right to have health and happiness, to have the freedom to live the way we like).
Self-care is the balanced approach. With this approach, we certainly give care to others. However we also respect our own right to health, and our right to live the way we feel is right for us-- including the spiritual life.
Selfishness and self-destruction are two extremes; these will prevent us from making spiritual progress and pull us down. However, self-care is the golden middle path. It recognises that while we must respect the needs of others, this does not mean allowing people to walk all over us. It recognises that we must be preserve our own health and wellbeing in order to be of any use to others.
This is an important point that many doctors often make to patients. People who look after others (for example, children/elderly/disabled etc) who have many needs, often forget to take care of themselves. This can lead to their health breaking down. If our own health breaks down, we cannot look after anyone else. This applies to all of us.
So let us remember-- preserving our own health and sanity is a sacred responsibility. This allows us to be the best we can we be, to give the best we can give to society and the world during our time on this planet. We were not born to be abused by other people, in any way, physically, emotionally/psychologically etc.
It is surprisingly difficult to recognise toxic people especially within our family circle as we get used to their behaviour. This does not make them any less harmful however. Yogis have a word that describes such people-- 'kusanga'. They strongly advise staying far away from kusanga individuals in order to live a contented and spiritually fulfilling life. And they strongly advise cultivating 'satsanga'--the company of people with good qualities who are committed to increasing the goodness within themselves.
I am including a useful psychology article related to this topic below as some of you may find this useful. The author is a psychotherapist who describes how to recognise toxic people and ways to deal with them.
https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/set-boundaries-toxic-people/
May God protect us all-- from toxicity inside and outside ourselves. May He give us the strength to walk the path of dharma and cultivate satsanga and avoid adharma and kusanga.
Om Namo Narayanaya.
Hari Aum Tat Sat
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