Hari Aum.
I was having a chat with a friend yesterday on the subject on parenting. We were reflecting on what might be helpful and unhelpful based on our own experiences when we were growing up and also from our interactions with children. In addition to our exposure to children within our families, we both interact with children regularly as part of our work (she is a teacher and I am a doctor) which provides another useful perspective and opportunity for learning.
As my daughter approaches her fourth birthday, I was reflecting upon my journey as a parent so far. I knew it would not be easy, but nothing prepared me for both the joys and the challenges of parenting that I have experienced so far. I realise that one has to become a parent to truly understand this extrordinary experience; no book, or dealing with other people's children can provide a complete picture.
Before I go any further, I would like to say that I am very grateful to have become a parent. In my 20s and even early 30s, I often wondered whether I was really suited to this role, and whether I truly wanted it. By my mid-30s, it had become clear to me that this was something that was important to me and I was very thankful for the arrival of my daughter in my life. The timing of her arrival was just six months prior to the onset of the Covid pandemic in early 2020, so it was an interesting and challenging initial couple of years. As things gradually normalise a little (at least from a health perspective), I thought it would be useful to take stock of the journey so far.
I thought it would be useful to look at parenting from a spiritual perspective. What do the yogis say about parenting? The rishis (sages) of ancient times were married and had children. They continued to perform spiritual practices while raising their children and made both spiritual and material progess. Being married and having children was no bar to their spiritual lives; on the contrary, this was extremely beneficial.
What tenets did they follow, what principles did they apply in their lives? What did our own Gurus say, both the monks/nuns and the married ones? (By the way, a true Guru, although a realised being, in many ways acts like a parent to their disciples. Even if they have never had their own biological children, they tend to their disciples as their own children, and take care of both their spiritual and material needs).
In terms of parenting from a spiritual perspective, I thought I would divide up this article into a few sections based on my current understanding of this subject:
1. Principles of parenting
2. Duties of parenting
3. Practice of parenting
So what are the spiritual principles that undepin parenting?
Well, the following points would apply from a yogic perspective:
1. The child is a gift from God. The presence of God within the child (and within all) needs to recognised. The child should be treated with love. Their thoughts and feelings should be treated with respect. (As far as possible, one should speak kindly to them and avoid raising one's voice/shouting unless there is some emergency or this is an absolute last resort. Sivananda says that one should avoid shouting at children as one of his key '20 important spiritual instructions').
Furthermore the child is a soul on their own spiritual journey. They have come to this Earth to experience their own karmas; they have their own desires and wishes from previous lifetimes and this one. Their wishes and journey should be respected.
Parents can and should guide their child; however, they should not force a child to take up a path in life against the child's wishes (e.g. compelling a child to take up a specific career, force them to marry someone etc; this should be obvious but it is incredible how common these behaviours are).
The child should be actively encouraged to express and develop their natural talents and interests. They should be praised and treated with kindness as much as possible. This will make them feel loved and appreciated; this is essential for their wellbeing both in childhood and later in their adult lives.
2. Parenting cannot be separated from the rest of our spiritual lives. On the contrary, for any spiritual seeker who becomes a parent, the act of parenting becomes both a privilege and a duty. It is a form of karma yoga, service of God. It is also an expression of bhakti yoga, love of God. The yogi who becomes a parent must do their best in the performance of this important duty as a form of worship of God (who exists within the child).
Some parents neglect their children in the name of spirituality. Sivananda and other Gurus say that this is an extremely negative karma and there will be serious consequences for such parents. He says that one should think carefully before having a child. One should only have a child if one is prepared to make the sacrifices of time, energy and resources involved in bringing them up. It is a serious tapas if one wants to do it well, this is the view of the yogis.
What are the duties of a parent from a spiritual perspective?
1. Provide for the material needs of the child:
This includes physical care (feeding, bathing, dressing etc), emotional care (providing love, emotional care and support, paying attention to the feelings of the child), intellectual care (providing the child an opportunity to develop their intellect, supporting their formal education).
Providing a happy and carefree childhood as much as is reasonably possible (encouraging the child to engage in activities that she/he enjoys, connecting with friends etc). Providing financial support, a secure and safe home. Encouraging healthy connections with family, friends and others in society.
2. Support the child in developing a healthy, balanced personality:
This involves a parental approach that is a balance between kindness and firmness, between leniency and discipline.
The child should not be unnecessarily criticised or scolded; equally, the child should not be allowed to run amok doing whatever they please especially if this involves upsetting others. The child needs to gently be taught to find a balance between their needs and those of others. This is an important skill that will serve them well in life in the future, in all aspects of life, both personal and professional, both material and spiritual.
3. Provide a spiritual education:
Human parents can guide and protect a child only upto a point. Ultimately, the fate of the child and their happiness in life depends upon their connection with their divine parent or God. Religion can never be forced upon a child; love for God cannot be conjured up by parents. However, the child should be provided with every opportunity to develop this for themselves.
Parents are said to be the first Gurus of the child according to the ancient scriptures. They have a number of significant duties, both material and spiritual.
The four goals of human life outlined in our scriptures are dharma (goodness/righteousness), artha (wealth/material possessions), kama (love and human relationships) and moksha (spiritual wisdom and Realisation). Dharma is the foundation stone of life, both material and spiritual. Without dharma, one cannot attain the other three goals of life.
Therefore, the yogis say it is the foremost duty of parents to instill ethical principles or dharma into the child. This requires both theory but even more importantly, practice. It is well-known that children often mimic their parents (in the world of medicine, there is increasing evidence that children with 'behavioural issues' are this way in great part due to the domestic atmosphere rather than an issue with themselves).
The fundamental principles of dharma, as we all know, are ahimsa (kindness/compassion towards other living beings, or non-violence), satya (truthfulness) and brahmacharya (some degree of control over the senses). Parents who are yogis have a duty to present a living example of these qualities to their children (not merely provide them with bookish knowledge of these. This may not always be easy but is important; will discuss this further in the 'practice' section below).
While laying the foundation stone of dharma in the life of the child, our scriptures say that the child should also be taught skills that enable them to become self-sufficient or financially independent in life in the future so that they can contribute something useful to society (this is the goal of 'artha'). Furthermore, they should be encouraged to enjoy life in a healthy manner and form positive connections with others (and, when the time comes, form their own families); this is the 'kama' aspect of life.
Along with the above, they should be told that there is more to life than merely the material. There is a spiritual dimension; they should be introduced to this at a young age. This is the goal of 'moksha' (this goal is not meant to be recognised when one is very elderly and nearly in the grave as some people erroneously think; it is to be recognised and sought after from much earlier in life).
Sivananda and other Gurus advise parents to include children in worship, for example, to sit with them in the evening (when the work of the day has been completed) and perform some kirtan. Or tell them uplifting spiritual stories that instill ethical values and devotion within them. Children generally enjoy hearing stories from their parents; along with popular stories, they should also be told spiritual stories suitable for their age and level of understanding. This is beneficial both for the child and the parents (as hearing and telling spiritual stories is a key spiritual practice).
In addition, when ceremonies of worship (such as pujas and homams) are performed in the house, the child should be included where possible (and appropriate depending upon their age). They should be invited to participate if they are interested (as children are usually curious, and often keen to do what their parents do, they are likely to be happy to be given a chance to be included).
The child should also be taught to pray, to address God in their own way using simple language to express their needs and wishes. They can also be taught easy and simple mantras and names of God. This is extremely important in my view, one of the most essential spiritual gifts parents can give their child. Names such as 'Rama', 'Krishna', 'Shiva', 'Durga', 'Radha' etc should be taught. If the parent has a Guru, the child should be told the name of the Guru.
If the child has parents from different religious backgrounds, they should be introduced to the names of God from those traditions too. They should be taught to respect all spiritual traditions from an early age; to respect all names and forms of God (in addition to any favourite they may have chosen for themselves).
The role of God as the giver of all things, the protector, the one who makes us happy should be explained in simple terms to the child. Every now and again they should be encouraged to express thanks to God for the things they have received in life, be it their toys, books or favourite foods. They should witness their parents expressing this gratitude to God on a regular, daily basis as this provides them with a living example.
Special mantras especially suited to the present spiritual age such as the Hare Rama mantra should be recited with the child for even a few minutes daily, for example, before bedtime. Along with the usual toys and books, a spiritual toy or two can also be provided (for example, a toy form of Krishna). This helps the child become familiar with the various forms of God.
Spiritual festivals should be celebrated and, along with the sweets and enjoyment, the spiritual meaning should be briefly explained.
The child should be introduced to formal places of worship such as temples, churches etc. One can explain that these are special places where people gather to worship God, say thank you to Him/Her and make requests for help and protection. Prasad or sacred food can also be given to the child; this provides spiritual blessings.
Chidananda (a Self-realised disciple of Sivananda) writes that each member of the household, including children, should be allowed their own time and space to connect with the Most High, they should have their own private little altar. One can provide a child with a little spot for their own worship, a small idol of their favourite form of God, and encourage them to make their own prayers.
Therefore, in a variety of ways, the child should be introduced to God and learn to develop their own connection with Him/Her. This is the key to happiness in life, both spiritual and material. This is the most important and sacred duty of the parent.
This is ultimately the greatest gift that one can give to one's child as a parent. Because from this connection alone stems all the good things in life, all joy, all peace, all success, everything.
This is the key to facing all present and future challenges in life; this gives inner strength, this gives resilience, this gives all. (And, sadly, without this, life rapidly deteriorates into an empty shell of materialism, discord and strife; a veritable hell indeed-- and no true parent would want this for their child).
Practice of parenting:
As mentioned above, yogis who are parents need to provide their children with a living example of yogic values. Perfection cannot be expected here (as we are all human after all), but sincerity can be, earnest striving can be.
It is human to fail, but failures are the stepping stones to success, so the yogis say. The child should therefore be taught not to fear failure, but rather, to face this, to learn from it, and avoid giving up (to try again).
In practical terms, one also needs to cut oneself some slack. One cannot be a perfect yogi, a machine, getting up everyday and performing all spiritual and material duties flawlessly at all times. This would be impossible.
One can certainly have principles and ideals to guide one, to strive for, as outlined above. But one needs to accept that, especially with the hectic, modern lives that most of us lead, we need to take a very pragmatic approach.
We cannot expect perfection either from ourselves or from our children. We need to be realistic. We can only do our best. And leave the rest in the hands of God. Fortunately, the Gurus tell us that this will be adequate for both spiritual progress and for reasonable material success in life.
I will conclude by sharing an interesting article by Swami Chidananda on the subject of parenting (this was written some time ago, but much of what he says applies even today):
Om.
May God, the Universal Parent, bless us, so that we may perform our parental duties in accordance with His/Her will. May He/She bless our children and all children with both spiritual and material success in life.
Om Namo Narayanaya.
Hari Aum Tat Sat.
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